Parenting Perspective 

When two parents bring different childhoods into a marriage, conversations about parenting can often become very sensitive. The words we choose have the power to either heal or to hurt; they can affirm your spouse’s history, or they can leave them feeling criticised and unseen. The art lies in finding a way to express respect for their upbringing while at the same time steering clear of repeating any aspects that may have been unhelpful. By choosing your words wisely, you can show gratitude for the values they inherited, while gently redirecting your shared parenting methods to better suit your child’s emotional and spiritual well-being today. 

Affirm Their Parents’ Good Intentions 

Try to use phrases that acknowledge the good intentions behind the way their parents raised them. For example: 

• ‘I can see how much your parents wanted you to grow up to be a strong and responsible person.’ 

• ‘Their way of showing they cared may have been tough at times, but the love behind it is very clear.’ 

This helps to validate the loving heart behind the practice, even if the method itself was imperfect. 

Separate the Underlying Values from the Methods 

Every parenting method is usually connected to a hidden value. For example, a home with very strict rules may have been trying to instil the value of discipline, while a more relaxed environment may have been prioritising emotional warmth. You can use words that uplift the value while suggesting a healthier method. 

• ‘The respect you learned in your home is so precious. Let us find a way to teach that to our children through dialogue, rather than through fear.’ 

Highlight the Positive Qualities Their Upbringing Produced 

Focus on how their childhood experiences helped to shape the admirable qualities you see in your spouse today. 

• ‘I really admire how resilient and disciplined you are. I would love for our children to have those qualities, but I hope we can teach them in a more encouraging way.’ 

Such words give dignity to their past while at the same time creating an opening for growth and improvement. 

Express Gratitude for How Their Past Shaped Them 

Even when you are trying to avoid repeating certain mistakes, you can still use words of gratitude. 

• ‘Your upbringing helped to shape the wonderful partner and parent you are today, and I am so thankful for that.’ 

This ensures that your spouse does not feel you are attacking their family, but are instead recognising its important role in your shared journey. 

When couples are able to use this kind of balanced and respectful language, they show their children that while family history is to be honoured, every generation has the responsibility to build upon it with fresh wisdom. 

Spiritual Insight 

Balancing Respect for the Past with Striving for Excellence 

Islam beautifully balances the need to respect the past with the importance of striving for improvement in the present. Your spouse’s upbringing is a part of the decree of Allah, and honouring it with your words is a form of gratitude. At the same time, Islam teaches us to constantly refine our own character and methods, always moving closer to a state of mercy and excellence. 

The Commandment of Kindness Towards Parents 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verses 23: 

‘And your Sustainer has decreed that you do not worship anyone except Him Alone; And (treat) parents favourably…’ 

This is a powerful reminder that even when their methods may not have been perfect, our respect for parents and the way we speak of them is an obligation. Your words should always reflect this sense of dignity. 

Wisdom in Action 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 66, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The wise person is the one who controls his desires and acts for what comes after death.’ 

This teaches us that true wisdom lies in reflecting, improving, and acting with foresight, not in blindly repeating the habits of the past. 

Balancing Respect for the Past with Growth 

Islam does not ask us to copy everything from previous generations, but to extract what is good and to improve upon it with wisdom. Honouring your spouse’s childhood with respectful words helps to fulfil the duty of kindness, while shaping healthier, more merciful practices for your own children fulfils the sacred trust (amanah) of parenting. 

Building a Home of Mercy and Unity 

When you speak with gentleness and respect about your spouse’s past, you are embodying the mercy that Islam commands between spouses. This mercy then flows down to your children, who learn from your example that respect and a desire for improvement can go hand in hand. By expanding your language with affirmation, gratitude, and wisdom, you can model to your children that Islam values both honouring the past and striving for a better future. This beautiful balance can create a legacy of dignity, compassion, and growth for generations to come.