What if my child finds formal manners uncomfortable or unnatural? 

Parenting Perspective 

Some children find formal manners, such as standing to greet someone or using specific gestures of respect, to feel stiff and unnatural. They may resist these practices because they prefer more casual interactions. Rather than dismissing these feelings, it is important to help them see that good manners are not about pretending to be someone else, but about showing respect in a way that makes others feel valued. 

Explain the Purpose, Not Just the Rule 

Talk to your child about the meaning behind the manners. You could say, ‘We sometimes use more formal manners to show an extra level of respect and honour, especially for our elders and guests. I know it can feel a little unusual, but it is a special way of making others feel welcome and important.’ When a child understands the reason behind the practice, they are often more willing to make an effort. 

Start with Small, Manageable Steps 

If a full, formal greeting feels overwhelming for your child, encourage them to start with a simple ‘Assalamu Alaikum’ while making eye contact. Over time, you can gradually introduce other elements, such as standing up or offering a handshake. This step-by-step approach makes the process of learning formal manners feel much less daunting and more natural. 

Balance Respect with Authenticity 

Let your child know that while the form of the manners is important, the sincerity behind them matters most. Teach them that a simple but genuine gesture of respect is always better than a formal one that feels forced or resentful. The warmth and effort they show are what people will truly appreciate and remember. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that sincerity (ikhlas) and respect are the twin foundations of adab. It is not enough to perform an action outwardly; the intention and state of the heart are equally important. 

Outward Respect as a Sign of Inner Righteousness 

The Quran teaches that our outward conduct, such as lowering our voices in a respected setting, is a direct reflection of the humility and righteousness that is within our hearts. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 3: 

‘Indeed, those people who lower the tone of their voices in the presence of the Prophet (Muhammad ﷺ); they are the ones whose hearts have been scrutinised by Allah (Almighty) with piety; for them is the redemption (in the Hereafter) and a great reward.‘ 

The Weight of Good Character 

The prophetic tradition reminds us that good character, which is the sincere and consistent practice of good manners, is one of the heaviest and most valuable deeds a person can bring forth on the Day of Judgement. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2002, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Nothing is placed in the scale that is heavier than good character, and indeed a person with good character will reach the status of one who fasts and prays.’ 

By guiding your child gently, you are showing them that manners are not about acting unnaturally, but about showing respect with a sincere heart. They will learn that even small efforts to be polite in formal settings are a part of developing a good character that is beloved to Allah.