Parenting Perspective 

When a child talks back, ignores an instruction, or acts out in some other way, it can be easy to experience it as a personal rejection. Many parents, especially those who may have grown up around a great deal of criticism, can interpret their child’s behaviour as a form of deliberate disrespect. In reality, however, most of these behaviours are not intended as an attack on you. They are more often a sign that your child is struggling with their emotions, testing their boundaries, or is still in the process of learning self-control. Learning to reframe their actions in this way can help you to respond with guidance, instead of with a feeling of hurt. 

Separate the Child from Their Behaviour 

It can be a powerful practice to remind yourself, ‘My child is not against me. They are having a hard time, not trying to give me a hard time.’ This simple shift in mindset helps to reduce your own defensiveness. 

Look for the Need Beneath the Action 

Try to ask yourself, ‘What is my child really trying to express with this behaviour?’ Feelings of tiredness, hunger, frustration, or a simple need for your attention often hide just beneath the surface of their actions. 

Pause Before You React 

If you feel yourself being triggered by their behaviour, it is important to take a breath or even step aside for a moment before you respond. This brief pause can help to prevent you from using harsh words that will only escalate the conflict. 

Choose to Teach, Not to Retaliate 

You can respond with a calm correction instead of taking their behaviour personally. Using phrases like, ‘I can see that you are feeling upset right now, but we need to speak to each other respectfully,’ helps to shift the focus back to a moment of learning. 

Build Your Own Emotional Awareness 

Take the time to notice when your own past wounds may be getting activated by a situation. The practice of journaling or simply talking with your spouse can help you to see your own patterns and to separate them from what is happening in the present moment. 

By shifting your perspective in these ways, you can free yourself from the feeling of being attacked, and can instead begin to see your child as someone who is in need of your support. This change will not only protect your relationship, but will also make your discipline much more effective. 

Spiritual Insight 

Patience and Wisdom Over Hurt Pride 

Islam teaches that a believer should always try to act with patience and wisdom, not with a sense of hurt pride. Our children are a sacred trust (amanah) from Allah, and their mistakes should be seen as opportunities for us to teach, not as personal insults. 

Responding with Patience and Forgiveness 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verses 43: 

‘And for the person who is patient and forgiving, indeed, (these acts are derived from) higher moral determination.’ 

This verse reminds us that choosing to respond with patience in moments when we feel hurt is a sign of true spiritual strength. 

Gentleness and Benefit in Our Dealings 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2594, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it makes it defective.’ 

This teaches us that guiding our children with gentleness and kindness is far more pleasing to Allah, and far more beautiful, than reacting in a defensive or harsh manner. By choosing to see your child’s behaviour through a lens of patience and mercy, you are following this beautiful prophetic guidance. You can stop interpreting their mistakes as personal attacks, and can instead begin to view them as opportunities to teach with love. This will help to build trust, strengthen the faith in your home, and nurture your child into someone who both respects you and feels safe with you.