We grew up seeing our parents fight, and now we find ourselves repeating the same patterns. How can we unlearn this before it damages our own child? 

Parenting Perspective 

Understanding Inherited Patterns 

Even if you assure yourself that you will never repeat them, patterns that were established in a home where conflict was unpredictable, loud, or emotionally unsafe can become your unconscious default. What the human brain observes repeatedly throughout childhood is internalised not only as memory, but also as normal. So, when stress or conflict comes in your own marriage, your body turns to what it knows, even if it produces guilt or pain. 

A Strategy for Change 

The fact that you are asking this question shows growth. It signifies that you are reflecting rather than simply reacting. And that awareness is the first and most effective step towards change. To unlearn, ask yourself, What did I witness as a child?, How did that make me feel? or What am I doing now that mimics those same dynamics? You are not only parenting your child; you are also repairing your inner self. The goal is not to be perfect, but to become intentional. Emotional legacies can be passed forward if one generation is ready to halt, reflect, and pivot. In practice, this involves learning to pause during stressful situations. If an argument is becoming heated, take a deep breath. Step aside. Return to a calm tone. Begin practicing conflict resolution rather than reactivity, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. What was once considered “normal” must now be rendered “unacceptable” in your home. It is possible that you were not provided with a model of respectful, calm disagreement; however, you can serve as that model for your child. And that change, even when slow, becomes their inheritance. 

Spiritual Insight 

The cycle of mental trauma that is passed down through generations is not permanent. Islam values both generational influence and personal accountability. You are not doomed to live the same life as your parents. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ra’ad (13), Verses 11: 

‘…Allah (Almighty) does not alter (the condition) of any nation, unless they start to make positive changes by themselves…’ 

This verse states that transformation comes from inside, not from external conditions, but from intention, effort, and self-awareness. If you choose to realign your path, your past will no longer govern your future. It is also recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4260, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, 

‘The wise person is the one who holds himself accountable and works for what comes after death… ‘

This accountability means detecting and breaking patterns that injure the souls entrusted to us, particularly our children. When you commit to unlearning inherited damage, you do more than just change your behaviour. You are recreating emotional history. You are telling your child a story of healing, growth, and mercy that your own upbringing may have lacked, but your parenting may now fulfil.