Our child now asks, ‘Why is Baba stricter than you?’ How do we answer without throwing each other under the bus? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child asks a question like this, it should be seen not as a trap, but as a powerful opportunity. Children naturally observe and compare their parents’ styles. Your response in this moment can either reinforce respect for both of you or subtly teach your child to label one parent as “mean” and the other as “nice.” The key is to avoid framing your differences as a flaw. Instead, you should affirm that you both love the child immensely and simply have different ways of showing it. For example, you might say, “Baba and I both want you to grow up to be a strong and responsible person. Sometimes he shows that by being extra careful about certain rules, and I might show it differently, but we both want the very same wonderful things for you.” This approach preserves everyone’s dignity, models unity, and steers your child away from taking sides. 

Teaching unity through differences 

Instead of pretending that you are both the same, help your child understand that parenting is a partnership, like two hands working together to build something beautiful. You can explain, “Sometimes we might seem different, but we always talk to each other to agree on what is best for our family.” It is then crucial that you follow through on this by visibly supporting each other’s decisions. Children thrive on this kind of predictability. When they see that both parents are upholding the same core boundaries, even if your tones differ, they feel emotionally secure. The goal is not to erase your individual styles, but to teach your child that love, respect, and structure can be expressed in different ways without being contradictory. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, justice and mercy are not opposing forces; they are complementary attributes of Allah Almighty, and parents are called to reflect both qualities. If one parent naturally tends towards firmness and the other towards softness, both approaches can be valid. The challenge is not the difference itself, but in ensuring that the child never interprets this difference as a division in your love or your mutual respect. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hadeed (57), Verse 25: 

‘…And We sent them accompanied with the Book (containing the absolute truth) and the Balance (of logic); so that mankind may establish itself with justice… ‘

This divine ‘Balance’ is the very essence of healthy parenting. It requires firmness when needed for structure, and gentleness when it is needed for healing. The two must always work in harmony, never cancelling each other out. 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4943, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who does not show mercy to our children is not one of us. ‘

Yet, the Prophet Muhammad’s ﷺ example shows that he also corrected children with wisdom and set boundaries in a way that was both loving and firm. He was neither permissive nor harsh; he was perfectly balanced. By answering your child’s question with clear respect for your spouse and with clarity about your shared goals, you model something far more profound than simple consistency. You teach them that love can have many expressions, and that the true strength of a family is found not in sameness, but in unity, dignity, and unwavering mutual trust.