My child says ‘you do not love me anymore’ when I say no. How do I respond without over-explaining or softening too much? 

Parenting Perspective 

Recognising the Emotion, Holding the Boundary 

When a child asserts, You do not love me anymore in reaction to discipline or a stringent boundary, they are not presenting a rational argument. They are articulating emotional distress, frequently with the intention of altering your decision. Reacting with remorse, extensive rationalisations, or promptly relaxing the boundary conveys an erroneous message, that love and discipline are incompatible. It is essential to recognise the emotion while maintaining the boundary. Maintain composure and reply succinctly, consistently, and comfortingly: I will always love you, even when I decline. Subsequently, assertively maintain the boundary: You are still unable to have additional sweets at this moment. This provides emotional reassurance to the child while emphasising that love is not contingent upon permission. 

The Danger of Over-Explaining 

Refrain from excessive elaboration or protracted discussions. Prolonged emotional debates bewilder children in the present and frequently convey the notion that norms are subject to negotiation. Convey a tone that embodies both warmth and assurance. Children experience security when they understand that love is resilient and rules remain steadfast despite emotional strain. Subsequently, when the circumstances are tranquil, reflect on the moment with levity. Recall when you asserted that my refusal indicated a lack of affection for you? That is unequivocally false. I decline because I am concerned, not the contrary. This reinforces your child’s comprehension that discipline is founded on compassion, not rejection. 

Consistent Affection Beyond Discipline 

Simultaneously, maintain consistency in expressing everyday affection beyond disciplinary measures: embraces, smiles, commendation, and focused attention. Children who consistently experience emotional connection are less inclined to manipulate emotional expressions during discipline. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, love and discipline are not antithetical; rather, they are profoundly interconnected. Parental firmness, rooted in compassion, embodies Allah Almighty’s equilibrium between Rahmah (mercy) and Adl (justice). Refusing requests for the sake of your child’s welfare is an aspect of the trust you are upholding. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 216: 

‘But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you, and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not. ‘

This verse illustrates that affectionate instruction may occasionally manifest as refusal, and that true insight frequently exists beyond quick solace. It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1952, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘There is no gift that a father gives his child more virtuous than good manners. ‘

Instructing a child to graciously accept boundaries is crucial to cultivating proper etiquette, especially in the face of emotional resistance. By maintaining your position with kindness, you demonstrate to your child that true love encompasses guiding rather than indulgence. Ultimately, they will comprehend that your resolute ‘no’ was one of the most profound demonstrations of concern.