I worry that our child sees parenting as a performance, two people debating how to handle them. How do we restore healthy authority? 

Parenting Perspective 

This is a very valid concern. When children frequently witness their parents debating how to handle them in real time, the act of parenting can begin to feel less like guidance and more like a performance. In this dynamic, the child is no longer just the subject of discipline; they become the audience to their parents’ emotional misalignment. Over time, this undermines the authority of both parents, not because your methods are wrong, but because your delivery appears uncertain and divided. Children in such environments may learn to tune out guidance, test which parent is more persuasive, or adopt roles like ‘the peacemaker’ to manage the tension. The core of healthy authority is not found in loud voices or rigid rules, but in calm alignment and quiet certainty. When a child senses that their parents are united and in control of their own emotions, they feel safe enough to respect the limits being set. 

Shifting from performance to partnership 

To restore healthy authority, you must step back from these live debates and commit, as a couple, to presenting a unified front. If one of you feels the urge to intervene with a different approach, use a simple phrase like, “Let us take a moment to talk about this.” This signals strength, not hesitation. Later, you can debrief in private and agree on a shared strategy. You can then return to your child with a calm, single message. This rhythm of pausing, aligning, and then returning slowly repairs the fractured energy that this ‘performance’ creates. Over time, your child will stop watching how you parent and start listening to what you say, because the message will finally feel unified and emotionally secure. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, parenting is not a spectacle, but a sacred trust (amanah). When parental guidance becomes performative, filled with visible disagreement, it risks replacing wisdom (hikmah) with ego, and mercy (rahmah) with confusion. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was never reactionary, even when faced with challenging behaviour. His approach to parenting and guidance always reflected composure, unity, and a clear sense of purpose, delivered with mercy. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verse 17: 

‘O my son, establish your prayers, and (seek to) promote positivity, and (seek to) diminish negativity; and be patient with what afflictions you come across…‘

This verse, from the wise counsel of a father to his son, shows that true guidance in Islam is not reactive, but is anchored in a state of spiritual presence and deliberate wisdom. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2612, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most perfect of believers in faith is the one who is best in manners and kindest to his wife. ‘

This standard of kindness naturally extends to how spouses handle each other’s differences of opinion, especially when their children are watching. By removing the element of performance and returning to a purposeful partnership, you restore not just your authority, but also the emotional peace of the home. Your child does not need to see flawless execution. They need to see that the two people raising them are steady, mutually respectful, and spiritually anchored, even while they are still learning themselves. That, in itself, is the most powerful form of leadership you can offer.