How to Stop Personalising Your Child’s Every Struggle 

Parenting Perspective 

It is deeply human to link your child’s behaviour to your own sense of worth. When a child lashes out, ignores instructions, or makes poor choices, a parent may feel a rising tide of shame: ‘Where did I go wrong?’ But misbehaviour is not always evidence of failed parenting. It is often part of how children grow. 

Misbehaviour is a Form of Communication 

Children test limits not because their parents have failed, but because they are still learning how to regulate emotions, express needs, and cope with frustration. Their behaviour is a form of communication, not necessarily a verdict on your parenting. 

Pause and Reframe 

When you personalise their struggle, your response becomes rooted in fear or guilt, rather than guidance. It helps to pause and reframe: ‘This is not about me. This is about what my child is trying to learn right now.’ From this place, you can respond with curiosity rather than blame. What does your child need? Are they tired, overwhelmed, or seeking connection? 

A Safer Emotional Climate 

Separating your identity from their conduct allows you to parent with greater steadiness. It also teaches your child that mistakes are not moral failings, they are learning moments. A parent who feels safe in themselves creates a safer emotional setting for the child. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the role of a parent is one of sincere effort and trust in Allah, not a pursuit of faultlessness or control. You are accountable for the environment you create for the child, the love you offer them, and the guidance you provide. But you are not held responsible for every reaction or outcome. 

A Reminder That Each Soul is Guided by its Own Capacity 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shams (91), verses 7–10: 

‘And by the soul and how it is designed (for infusion into the body); Thus, We (Allah Almighty) have designed (the soul with discretion) for wickedness and piety. Without any doubt success is for the one who developed purity (of the self), And indeed, failure is for the one who embraces (the darkness of ignorance and immorality).’ 

This verse reminds us that each soul is guided by its own internal capacity for right and wrong. Even as a parent, you cannot own your child’s every decision. Your task is to nurture, advise, and model, but their soul, ultimately, belongs to Allah. 

The Prophetic Model: Guidance, Not Guilt 

It is recorded in Sahih al-Bukhari that the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Every one of you is a shepherd, and every one of you is responsible for his flock. ‘

Responsibility and guidance help the child to guide that does not make the parent having ownership or guilt for the child. You are meant to be their guide, not their shadow. Trust that your effort counts, even when the outcomes feel messy. And trust that your child’s journey is unfolding, just the same way as yours journey is revealing.