How to Set Boundaries Without Reliving Your Past 

Parenting Perspective 

It is not wrong to have this feeling, nor are you alone. If discipline in your childhood was often cruel or punitive, your instinct to avoid it is a sign that your intuition still preserves your sense of safety. Your care has not failed, but without clear boundaries, children can feel unanchored rather than free. 

Clarify Your ‘Why’ 

To set boundaries gently, not harshly, you can begin by clarifying your why. Ask yourself: why does this boundary matter for your child’s wellbeing? Is it about teaching respect, protecting safety, or preserving trust? When your motivation is rooted in love, not control, the way you communicate it changes. 

Name a Boundary Calmly 

Practice naming a boundary calmly: ‘We will not shout inside. When voices go high, we find calm instead.’ Avoid shaming or reminding of past misdeeds. Instead, affirm the boundary and invite cooperation. If a limit is crossed, follow through with soft consistency. A very simple phrase, such as, ‘That behaviour is not allowed; let us take a break,’ offers structure without aggression. 

Rewrite the Meaning of Discipline 

You might also rewrite the meaning of discipline in your heart. It is not punishment. Discipline is the practice of guiding your child toward safety and connection, even when mistakes occur. Remember that form matters: a quiet fix is more transformative than a loud rebuke. And repair matters too. If you ever raise your voice or overstep, return with care: ‘I lost my calm; I am sorry. Let us try again in a moment.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam values discipline, but always in balance with mercy and intentionality. Your hesitance is rooted in your past, but your faith invites a way forward that honours both compassion and structure. 

A Reminder That Discipline is Measured and Kind 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), verse 286: 

‘Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity…’ 

This Verse reminds us that discipline, like all responsibility, is measured and kind. You are not required to operate out of harshness, even in correction. 

The Prophetic Model: Empathetic, Gentle, and Consistent 

It is recorded in Mishkat al-Masabih that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The best of you are those who are best to their families.‘

[Mishkat al-Masabih, 13:170] 

This leadership is not authoritarian but empathetic, gentle, and consistent. The holy Prophet ﷺ modelled firmness when necessary and gentleness always. 

You are not compromising your child’s wellbeing by avoiding harshness; instead, you are being invited to a higher way, one that recognises correction as an act of love, not control. As you grow into that balanced parent, you teach your child, through presence and repair, that boundaries are not cruelty. They are care given well.