How to Ask Better Questions and Truly Understand Your Child 

Parenting Perspective 

It is a powerful and humbling moment when a child expresses that they feel heard but not understood. What they are really asking for is deeper presence and curiosity from you as their parent. Asking better questions is less about having clever wording and more about creating the kind of space where your child feels that you are genuinely interested in their thoughts, feelings, and inner world. 

Use Open Questions 

Instead of defaulting to questions that can be answered with ‘yes’ or ‘no’, try to use open questions that invite your child to share more. For example, instead of asking, ‘Did you have a good day?’ you could ask, ‘What was the best part of your day?’ or ‘Was there anything that made today hard?’ These questions give your child permission to go beyond surface answers and show you more of what is on their heart. 

Use Gentle Reflections 

It is also helpful to follow their words with gentle reflections. If your child says, ‘I did not want to play that game,’ you could respond with, ‘It sounds like you felt left out or uncomfortable.’ By doing this, you are showing that you are not only listening to their words but also trying to understand the feelings behind them. 

Another way of asking better questions is to be guided by genuine curiosity. If your child is talking about something unfamiliar to you, rather than steering away, you can say, ‘That sounds important to you. Can you tell me more about it?’ This signals respect and interest, even if you do not fully understand the topic. Over time, your child will come to trust that you care enough to keep seeking understanding, even when it requires patience. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us that listening and seeking understanding are part of good character. The noble Quran reminds us that believers are expected to engage deeply and not superficially. 

A Reminder That True Listening is Active 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zumar (39), verse 18: 

‘Those people that listen attentively to a saying, and then follow what is the best (content) from it; those are the people who have been guided by Allah (Almighty); and those are the people of rational understanding.’ 

This Verse highlights that true listening is active; it involves weighing words with care and seeking meaning. For a parent, this means not settling for shallow exchanges, but instead listening in a way that brings guidance, wisdom, and closeness. 

The Prophetic Model: The Gift of Being Fully Known 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever relieves a believer’s distress of the distressful aspects of this world, Allah will rescue him from a difficulty of the difficulties of the Hereafter…’ 

[Sahih Muslim,2699] 

One of the most profound ways a parent can benefit their child is by offering them the gift of being fully known and understood. When you strive to ask questions that open hearts, you are giving your child the benefit of being seen with dignity, which strengthens their trust in you and in turn their trust in Allah Almighty’s mercy. 

By shifting from quick questions to thoughtful, open ones, and by anchoring your listening in patience, you show your child that your desire is not just to hear them but to truly understand them. This nurtures connections and builds a bond rooted in both care and faith.