Parenting Perspective 

The pain from our own childhoods, whether it comes from a place of neglect, harshness, or unmet needs, can become either a heavy chain that holds us back or a powerful teacher that propels us forward. If this pain is left unprocessed, it can harden our hearts or make us fearful in our own parenting. However, when it is consciously redirected, that same pain can become a powerful motivation to offer your own child the kind of love you once longed for. This shift requires a reframing of your pain, seeing it as a tool for growth rather than as a wound that has to define you. 

Reframe Your Pain as a Teacher 

You can tell yourself, ‘My own struggles are a constant reminder of how valuable gentleness truly is.’ By choosing to see your pain as a reminder, you can transform it from a heavy weight into a powerful motivator. 

Channel Your Hurt into Intentional Action 

Instead of repeating the patterns that may have hurt you, you can create intentional acts of love for your own child. This can include offering frequent hugs, using kind and affirming words, dedicating quality time, and practising patient listening. Each one of these actions becomes a living proof that your pain has been transformed. 

Build Daily Habits of Love 

Small, consistent routines, such as making dua together at bedtime, sharing a meal without distractions, or checking in with your child after their school day, can help to turn an abstract intention to love into a consistent sense of security for your child. 

Reflect After Difficult Moments 

When you feel that some of your old pain has been triggered and is resurfacing, you can pause and ask yourself, ‘How can I use this feeling to push me to give my child more safety, not less?’ This helps to reframe your triggers as reminders to deepen your expression of love. 

By consciously choosing to allow your pain to fuel your compassion, you can create a style of parenting that helps to heal both your child and yourself. 

Spiritual Insight 

Trials as a Bridge to Greater Love 

Islam teaches us that our trials and struggles can elevate our status when we are able to respond to them with patience and mercy. Your own pain can become a bridge to a greater and more profound love, if you allow it to guide you closer to Allah and towards a path of gentleness with your family. 

Hardship as an Opportunity for Growth 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Inshirah (94), Verses 5–6: 

‘Thus with (every) hardship there is facilitation (from Allah Almighty). Indeed, with (every) hardship there is facilitation (from Allah Almighty).’ 

This verse reminds us that our pain is never the end of the story. Allah always pairs our difficulties with opportunities for healing and for finding goodness. 

Mercy and Humility Born from Struggle 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2588, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘No one humbles himself for the sake of Allah except that Allah raises him in rank.’ 

This hadith teaches us that responding to our own hardship with a sense of humility and a commitment to showing mercy to others is not a weakness, but is in fact a means of our own spiritual elevation. When you are able to use your pain to soften your heart instead of allowing it to harden your heart, you are aligning yourself with the beautiful, prophetic model of mercy. Your child will then experience your love not just as affection, but as a shield that has been shaped by resilience, faith, and a deep, transformative compassion. In this way, your pain can become a legacy of healing, rather than one of hurt.