Parenting Perspective 

When your spouse challenges a parenting approach that you have carried with you from your own childhood, it can feel deeply personal. The natural instinct is often to become defensive, as you may hear the criticism not just of a parenting style, but of your own identity, your parents, and your cherished memories. However, constantly defending your upbringing can trap both of you in a repeating cycle, where the focus shifts away from your child and onto battles about the past. The healthier path is to find a way to respect where you came from, while at the same time consciously choosing what will best help your own children to thrive. 

Understand the Root of Your Defensiveness 

Defensiveness often comes from a place of fear: a fear of betraying your parents, a fear of invalidating your own past, or a fear of losing a part of your identity. Simply taking a moment to recognise these underlying fears can help you to respond with awareness, rather than with a knee-jerk reaction. 

Reframe Your Childhood Lessons 

Your upbringing does not have to be either entirely dismissed or entirely copied; it can be thoughtfully reframed. For example: 

• If you were raised with very strict rules, you can acknowledge the discipline and structure you gained, while exploring gentler ways to instil those same values. 

• If you grew up with a great deal of freedom, you can appreciate the confidence and independence it gave you, while at the same time adding clearer and more consistent boundaries for your own children. 

Choose Reflection Over Reaction 

Instead of immediately saying, ‘But that is how I was raised,’ you can pause and ask yourself a different question: ‘Does this particular method truly meet our child’s needs today?’ This helps to shift the focus from defending the past to protecting your child’s present. 

Build Bridges with Your Spouse 

You can respect your spouse’s perspective by responding with phrases that build connection. 

• ‘I can see why this particular issue matters so much to you.’ 

• ‘I understand your concern. Can we try to find a middle ground that works for us both?’ 

This approach helps to lower the tension in the conversation and signals an openness to collaboration, rather than a desire to do battle. 

Create a Shared Parenting Vision 

Work together to write down three or four core principles that will guide your parenting. For example, ‘We will always teach respect with gentleness,’ or, ‘We will aim to encourage independence with clear guidance.’ This process helps you to create a new ‘rulebook’ for your own home, one that is not based on defending the past, but on building a shared future together. 

Always Return the Focus to Your Child’s Well-being 

Ultimately, every discussion about parenting should return to one central question: ‘What will best help our child to feel safe, loved, and guided?’ By keeping your focus here, you can stop fighting for your own upbringing and start collaborating for your child’s growth. 

Spiritual Insight 

Embracing Humility, Consultation, and Mercy 

Islam encourages humility, consultation, and mercy as the means of resolving family disagreements. A defensive attitude often blocks these virtues, whereas an attitude of openness allows the blessings of Allah to flow into the home. 

The Principle of Mutual Consultation (Shura) 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verses 38: 

‘And those people that respond to (the commandments of) their Sustainer, and establish prayer, and conduct their affairs between each other through consultation, and spend (generously) from the sustenance We have provided them.’ 

This verse reminds us that the practice of joint consultation, which involves listening, reflecting, and deciding together, is the ideal Islamic model for handling our differences. 

Honour Through Humility 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2588, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Charity does not decrease wealth, no one forgives another but Allah increases him in honour, and no one humbles himself for the sake of Allah but Allah raises him.’ 

This hadith teaches us that humbling ourselves during a conflict does not lower our dignity in any way; in fact, it raises our rank in the sight of Allah. 

Transforming Wounds into Mercy 

Your upbringing is a part of the decree of Allah. Showing respect for it, while at the same time committing to grow from it, reflects both gratitude and wisdom. Instead of defending every aspect of your past, you can speak with mercy, for example by saying, ‘My childhood taught me many important lessons, but I believe that together, we can choose what is best for our family now.’ 

When your children are able to witness a sense of humility, deep listening, and cooperation between you and your spouse, they learn that differences do not have to lead to division. They will see that it is possible for respect for the past and a desire for improvement in the present to exist side by side. 

By releasing your defensiveness and embracing reflection, humility, and consultation, you can transform a potential conflict into an act of cooperation. This helps to create a home where your spouse feels respected, your child feels secure, and your past is honoured without becoming a prison. This beautiful balance is what can turn the act of parenting into a form of both healing and worship.