Parenting Perspective 

It can be a frustrating and guilt-inducing experience to notice yourself repeating the same harsh words or strict behaviours that you disliked in your own childhood. These patterns are often deeply ingrained; we can absorb them unconsciously, and they tend to resurface during stressful moments. The good news, however, is that the act of recognising these patterns is the first and most important step towards breaking them. Change is always possible when you can bring a sense of awareness, self-compassion, and new, conscious habits into your parenting. 

Acknowledge the Pattern Without Shame 

Instead of saying to yourself, ‘I am just like my parents,’ with a feeling of despair, you can try to reframe the thought to, ‘I am aware of this pattern now, and I can choose to do things differently.’ This awareness, in and of itself, is a form of progress. 

Identify Your Triggers 

Try to notice when these harsh patterns tend to emerge. Is it when you are feeling particularly stressed or tired, or when your child is being defiant? Identifying your triggers can help you to prepare calmer responses in advance. 

Practise Replacement Responses 

You can create gentler, more intentional alternatives to your reactive habits. This could mean replacing the urge to shout with the decision to take a deep breath, or replacing empty threats with clear and calm consequences. If needed, you can even write these reminders down for yourself. 

Repair the Connection When You Slip 

If a moment of harshness does slip out, it is important to apologise to your child afterwards. Saying, ‘I spoke too strongly just then. I should have explained it to you in a better way,’ not only repairs the moment, but also models the important quality of accountability. 

Seek Support and Opportunities for Growth 

Talking with your spouse or a trusted friend about these moments of struggle can be very helpful. Even the simple act of journaling can help you to track your patterns and your progress. Over time, these small, conscious changes will help you to break the old cycles. 

By choosing reflection over reaction, you can begin to transform your parenting from a set of inherited patterns into a form of intentional guidance, allowing you to give your child the kind of nurturing that you may have once wished for yourself. 

Spiritual Insight 

Breaking Cycles as an Act of Worship 

Islam recognises that people can inherit habits from their families, but it also calls upon us to rise above anything that is harmful and to replace it with mercy. The act of breaking harsh patterns is not just a form of self-improvement; it is an act of worship and a fulfilment of the sacred trust (amanah) we hold towards our children. 

The Command to Leave Harmful Ways Behind 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verses 53: 

‘And inform My servants that they should speak in only the politest manner (when they speak to the extremists in disbelief); indeed, Satan is (always ready for) infusing anarchy between them, as indeed, Satan is the most visible enemy for mankind.’ 

This verse reminds us that harsh words are a tool of Satan, used to create division, while gentle words are what preserve a sense of mercy in our homes. 

The Adornment of Mercy Over Harshness 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2594, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it makes it defective.’ 

This hadith teaches us that the quality of mercy is what beautifies our family life, while harshness can only damage it. When you make a conscious effort to replace any inherited harshness with your own chosen gentleness, you are following the prophetic path and are protecting your child from the wounds that you may have once carried. Your home can then become a place of healing, where inherited pain is broken and is replaced with love, patience, and faith.