After an argument, I sometimes over-apologise to my child. Could that shift the emotional burden onto them? 

Parenting Perspective 

Yes, it certainly can. While the intention often comes from a place of tenderness, repeatedly over-apologising to your child after an argument can quietly transfer the emotional responsibility onto them. Instead of making them feel safe, it can make them feel that it is now their job to comfort you, manage your guilt, or reassure you that everything is okay. Children are highly attuned to vulnerability in their caregivers. When a parent expresses regret to the point of distress, the child may instinctively suppress their own feelings in order to protect the parent from further upset. 

The key is to offer an apology that is appropriate, not excessive. A healthy, child-centred apology sounds like this: “I am sorry you had to see us so upset earlier. That was not fair to you, and we are working on being calmer.” After speaking, it is important to allow space for the child’s response without seeking their reassurance. Avoid phrases like, “Do you forgive me?” or, “I feel so terrible,” as these centre your emotions and subtly ask your child to make you feel better. The focus should instead be on restoring stability through normal play, familiar routines, and quiet moments of connection that demonstrate the home is safe once more. 

What to Aim For Instead 

• A calm and contained acknowledgement of what happened, not a dramatic retelling. 

• Reassurance for the child, without any language that induces guilt. 

• Modelling emotional repair, which is about restoring connection, not just releasing your own feelings. 

This helps your child learn that emotional mistakes can be owned and repaired, without shifting the weight to them. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic teachings emphasise a balance between the humility required to acknowledge our faults and the wisdom needed to protect the innocent from unnecessary burdens. Even the most heartfelt apology should never make a child feel responsible for becoming a caregiver or an emotional fixer. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught us how to take accountability with dignity, always prioritising the wellbeing of others, especially those who are more vulnerable. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verses 286: 

‘Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity… ‘

Just as this is a divine promise for us, it should be a guiding principle from us. We must not place the weight of our own emotional processing onto the shoulders of our children. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2594a, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Be kind, for kindness is not found in anything but that it beautifies it… ‘

An apology, when delivered with quiet strength rather than emotional fragility, becomes a profound act of kindness. It beautifies the moment of repair, reassures the child, and demonstrates that even grown-ups can be gentle when admitting a mistake, all without making the child responsible for carrying their sorrow.