Parenting Perspective 

Deciding when to remove or restore a child’s privileges is a crucial part of any family repair plan. Such decisions must be handled thoughtfully, taking into account the specific issue, the child’s awareness of their actions, and the overall goals of the repair process. While privileges can be an effective tool for reinforcing positive behaviour, they should never feel arbitrary or punitive. Instead, their management should be part of a broader framework aimed at fostering growth, accountability, and trust. 

Key Considerations When Removing Privileges 

For consequences to be effective, they must be applied with care and a clear educational purpose. 

• Proportionality: The removal of a privilege should be proportionate to the behaviour being addressed. For example, removing screen time for an evening for not completing homework is a reasonable consequence, whereas taking away all privileges for a minor mistake can cause resentment. 

• Consistency: It is essential to apply consequences consistently. Children need to see a clear link between their actions and the outcomes. If privileges are removed inconsistately, it undermines a child’s understanding of fairness and accountability. 

• Emotional Regulation: Removing privileges in the heat of an argument can escalate emotions. Whenever possible, take a moment to reflect before acting to ensure your response comes from a place of calm and fairness, not frustration. 

• Educational Purpose: The goal of removing a privilege should always be to teach a lesson, not to punish. If a child repeatedly neglects their chores, temporarily removing a privilege like video games can help illustrate the importance of their responsibilities. 

Deciding When to Restore Privileges 

Restoring privileges is just as important as removing them and should be tied to genuine progress and understanding. 

• Demonstrating Accountability: Privileges should be restored only after the child has shown they are accountable for their actions. This involves more than an apology; it requires an understanding of why the behaviour was inappropriate and a commitment to change. 

• Gradual Restoration: It can be helpful to restore privileges in stages, based on the child’s progress. For instance, if gaming privileges were removed, you might allow shorter periods of play initially, increasing the time as they consistently meet expectations. 

• Clear Communication: When you restore a privilege, have an open conversation about it. Discuss the behaviour, explain why the privilege is being returned, and clarify what is expected going forward. This reinforces the connection between responsibility and reward. 

A thoughtful approach to managing privileges helps guide a child towards positive behaviour and an understanding of the impact of their actions, fostering accountability and trust. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic teachings emphasise the importance of balance, fairness, and compassion, especially when guiding and disciplining children. 

Quranic Guidance on Fairness and Justice 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verses 286: 

‘Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity…’ 

This verse serves as a reminder that the challenges we face are always within our capacity to manage. When it comes to family discipline, we must ensure that any consequences we impose are fair and proportionate. Overly harsh measures can damage a child’s sense of justice and harm the parent-child relationship, which is why balance is essential. 

Hadith on Accountability and Justice 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, 2592, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who is deprived of gentleness is deprived of all good.’ 

This hadith highlights the principle of gentleness in all our dealings. When deciding whether to remove or restore privileges, the decision should be approached with compassion and a desire to teach, rather than to punish. By modelling a balance between discipline and mercy, we help our children develop a sense of responsibility and justice grounded in both emotional intelligence and Islamic values.