Parenting Perspective 

Frequent comparisons, even when they are made casually by well-meaning relatives, can deeply affect a child’s developing sense of self. Children often measure their worth through the eyes of the significant adults in their lives, and when they repeatedly hear that a cousin, sibling, or neighbour is ‘better,’ they may start to believe that they are inadequate. This slowly chips away at their confidence, making the child less likely to take healthy risks, try new things, or feel proud of their own unique progress. 

The Weight of Negative Labels 

Comments such as, “Your cousin studies much harder than you do,” or “Why can you not behave like your aunt’s son?” can leave a child feeling as though their unique strengths and qualities do not matter. Over time, these hurtful words can become internalised as a form of negative self-talk, which can lead to lowered self-esteem and even feelings of anxiety. 

The Risk of Resentment and Distance 

A child who constantly feels that they are being compared to others may begin to withdraw from family gatherings, viewing them as opportunities for judgment rather than for connection and love. 

• They may also develop feelings of resentment towards the relative who is being used as a benchmark, which can damage the important bonds between cousins or siblings. 

The Impact on the Parent-Child Relationship 

If parents do not actively counter these comparisons, their child may begin to assume that they agree with the criticism. This can weaken the trust between you and leave your child feeling unsupported in their own home, which should be the very place that nurtures their self-belief and confidence. 

Protecting Your Child’s Confidence 

Parents can help to counter the damage of these comparisons by: 

• Affirming their child’s unique strengths and progress, both in private and in public. 

• Gently redirecting relatives when comparisons arise, using phrases like, “Every child has been blessed with different strengths, and it is lovely to appreciate them all.” 

• Teaching their child to value their own effort and growth, not just the outcomes, so that they do not define themselves by comparisons to others. 

By consistently affirming their child, parents can provide the antidote to criticism, helping to rebuild their confidence and cultivate a healthy self-image. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us to value every individual as a unique creation, with their own specific abilities and gifts from Allah Almighty. Making comparisons that belittle a child goes against the Islamic principle of nurturing a person’s dignity and showing gratitude for the blessings that have been bestowed upon each individual. 

Recognising Unique Blessings 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verses 71: 

‘And Allah (Almighty) has preferred some a few over others in the provisions (of this world)…’ 

This verse reminds us that our differences are a part of the divine design of Allah, and that each person has been gifted in their own distinct way. Children, too, must be appreciated for their own individual qualities rather than being compared unfairly to others. 

Guarding Against Harmful Words 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 610, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not harm the Muslims, do not revile them, and do not seek out their faults.’ 

This teaches us that our words can cause just as much harm as our actions can. Avoiding hurtful comparisons is a part of protecting the dignity of others, and this is especially true for the sensitive hearts of children. 

When parents nurture their children with an affirmation that is rooted in these Islamic values, they are modelling the truth that a person’s real worth comes from striving sincerely to please Allah, not from competing for the approval of others. This approach strengthens a child’s confidence, reminding them that they are valued for who they are and for the effort they make.