Parenting Perspective 

It is very easy to fall into the habit of praising children only when they achieve something tangible, like bringing home a certificate or winning a competition. While celebrating their achievements is undoubtedly important, limiting your praise only to these results can unintentionally make a child feel that they are loved only for their performance. This can create a great deal of pressure and can undermine their true sense of self-worth. As a parent, you can shift this focus by making a conscious effort to also praise their character, their effort, and the simple joy of their presence, so that your child knows they are valued regardless of the outcome. By diversifying your praise in this way, you can help to strengthen their confidence and protect them from the damaging belief that love is linked solely to success. 

Notice and Praise Their Everyday Goodness 

Make a point of acknowledging your child’s small, everyday acts of kindness. A comment like, ‘I loved the way you just shared your toy with your sister without being asked,’ shows them that you value their good character even more than their trophies. 

Highlight Their Effort Over the Results 

Try saying, ‘I saw how hard you worked on that project,’ instead of, ‘You are so clever because you got full marks.’ This helps your child to connect their sense of dignity to their perseverance and effort, rather than just to the final outcome. 

Value Their Presence, Not Just Their Performance 

You can offer simple affirmations that have nothing to do with achievement, such as, ‘I just love spending time with you,’ or, ‘You make our home feel so much warmer and happier.’ These words provide a deep and unconditional reassurance of their value. 

Show Gratitude for Their Small Contributions 

Thank your children for their daily contributions to the family. A phrase like, ‘Alhamdulillah, you did a wonderful job helping to set the table. That made our mealtime much easier,’ helps to expand the range of what is celebrated in your home. 

Balance Praise for Achievements with Praise for Character 

When your child does achieve something significant, you can include a sense of humility and a broader perspective in your praise. You could say, ‘Alhamdulillah, Allah blessed your hard work with this success, and I want you to know I am just as proud of your kindness every single day.’ 

These habits help to shift your praise from being conditional to being holistic, showing your children that they are valued for the entirety of who they are, not just for what they are able to achieve. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Quran on True Nobility Lying in Righteousness 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 13: 

‘…Indeed, the best of you in the judgement of Allah (Almighty) is the one who is most virtuous…’ 

This verse reminds us that true honour in the sight of Allah is tied to our righteousness and piety, not to our worldly achievements. Teaching our children this important perspective can help them to prioritise the development of their character over the collection of accolades. 

Prophetic Guidance on Allah’s Focus on the Heart 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4141, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Allah does not look at your forms or your wealth, but He looks at your hearts and your deeds.’ 

This hadith affirms that Allah values the sincerity of our hearts and the quality of our deeds, not the measures of external success. When parents are able to echo this profound truth in the way that they offer praise, they can nurture children who grow up confident in their intrinsic worth. They will know that true love, dignity, and the pleasure of Allah are found in their effort, their goodness, and their faith, not just in their achievements.