Parenting Perspective 

Many parents carry invisible scars from their own childhoods, whether from harsh discipline, emotional neglect, or unrealistic expectations. These old wounds can often surface in unexpected ways during the stresses of parenting. For instance, a parent who was often shouted at may find themselves raising their voice too quickly, or they may go to the other extreme and avoid correcting their child at all, for fear of repeating the past. 

Cultivating Self-Awareness 

The first step in breaking such a cycle is developing self-awareness: beginning to notice when your emotional reactions feel stronger than the current situation truly warrants. Instead of criticising yourself in these moments, you can pause and acknowledge, ‘This feeling is not just about my child; it is also about my own history.’ By consciously separating your past from your present, you can begin to regain control over your responses. 

Pause and Reframe Your Response 

Before you react, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child is not responsible for your past. This simple pause can create enough space for you to choose a more thoughtful and gentle response. 

Practise Co-regulation 

If you were not comforted during your own difficult moments as a child, you can make a conscious effort to sit with your child during their big emotions. Showing them that you can provide a calm and steady presence gives them the sense of security that you may have once missed. 

Create Scripts for Repair 

If you do overreact, you can go back to your child afterwards and say, ‘I was feeling very upset earlier, but I should not have spoken to you in that way. Please forgive me. Let us try to talk about this again.’ This act of repairing the connection teaches your child that mistakes can be corrected with humility and grace. 

Invest in Your Own Healing and Support 

Seeking support through therapy, journaling, or speaking with a wise and trusted mentor can help you to process your old pain, rather than unconsciously passing it on to the next generation. 

Redefine Discipline and Love 

If discipline once meant fear to you, you can reshape it to mean guidance with calm and consistent boundaries. If love was withheld in your childhood, you can make expressing affection a daily habit through kind words, warm hugs, and shared time together. 

Your parenting journey does not have to be chained to your history. By intentionally choosing new words and actions, you can transform your old wounds into a source of wisdom. This not only protects your child from inheriting your pain, but also allows you to heal through the very act of nurturing them differently. 

Spiritual Insight 

Trials as a Means of Growth 

Islam recognises that every soul carries its own trials, and our responsibility is to use these tests as a means of spiritual growth, rather than as a cause for destruction. Your childhood may have held certain tests for you, but the choices you make in the present can turn those wounds into a source of mercy and guidance for your own children. 

The Virtue of Restraining Anger 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verses 134: 

‘…They suppress their anger; and are forgiving to people; and Allah (Almighty) loves those who are benevolent.’ 

This verse reminds us that the qualities of self-control and forgiveness are what elevate a believer’s character, especially within the context of family life. 

True Strength in Self-Control 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 1317, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong man is not the one who throws others down, but the strong man is the one who controls himself when angry.’ 

This hadith teaches us that real strength lies in breaking a cycle of hurt, not in repeating it. 

Parenting as a Path of Healing 

By consciously practising patience, forgiveness, and self-restraint in your home, you can create an environment that nurtures compassion rather than perpetuating pain. You can honour the tests of your past by allowing them to become a source of wisdom. In doing so, you are fulfilling the sacred trust (amanah) of parenting with excellence, showing your child that while wounds may be a part of life, faith and mercy have the power to transform them into guidance. Such a home becomes both a refuge for your children and a place of healing for your own heart.