Parenting Perspective 

Every person enters into marriage carrying the invisible legacy of their own childhood. Some of these memories will be warm and cherished, while others may be painful or restrictive. When these two different histories meet in a marriage, it is only natural that disagreements about parenting will surface. One spouse may insist on a certain type of discipline because that is how they were raised, while the other may long to create a gentler environment due to a harshness they once endured. Instead of becoming stuck in a battle over whose way is ‘right’, a far healthier approach is to ask: How can we honour each other’s pasts while consciously making the best choices for our own children today? 

Acknowledge Their Experience Without Dismissal 

The first step is to always acknowledge your spouse’s experiences. If they share a story about how their parents insisted on very strict bedtime rules, it is important to avoid responding with a dismissive comment like, ‘That sounds far too harsh.’ Instead, you could try, ‘I can see why that feels important to you. Can we explore a way that maintains a good structure but also feels warm and gentle?’ This approach shows respect even when you disagree. 

Extract the Underlying Values, Not the Exact Practices 

Behind every childhood memory, there is usually an underlying value. A spouse who was raised with strict discipline may deeply value responsibility, while one who was raised with a softer approach may prioritise emotional safety. Rather than simply copying old methods, you can agree on new family practices that carry both of these important values forward. For example, you might create bedtime routines that are both structured and calm, thereby satisfying both perspectives. 

Build Your Own Unique Family Culture 

Take the time to create a set of shared principles that are unique to your own household. This could be as simple as writing down a list of agreed-upon values. 

• We want our children to always feel safe and loved. 

• We want our discipline to teach responsibility, not to create fear. 

• We want our family’s faith practices to be taught with a sense of joy. 

Creating this kind of ‘family charter’ allows both parents to feel heard and respected, while at the same time giving your children a clear and consistent framework. 

Maintain a United Front 

Even if you disagree on a particular point, it is best to save those discussions for a private time. Children thrive in an environment where their parents appear united, not one where they can sense conflict. Presenting a united front is far more important for their emotional security than any single method of discipline or affection. 

By listening with an open heart, blending your core values, and agreeing on your own shared principles, you can transform your spouse’s childhood experiences from a potential source of friction into a reservoir of wisdom that strengthens your unique parenting style. 

Spiritual Insight 

Parenting as a Shared Responsibility 

Parenting in Islam is a joint responsibility that is intended to be rooted in mercy, respect, and mutual accountability. The different experiences of both spouses are not accidental; they are part of the decree of Allah, equipping each of you with different lessons and insights to bring into your shared parenting journey. 

Marriage as a Partnership of Mercy 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Rome (30), Verses 21: 

‘And amongst His Signs (of the infinite truth) are that He (Allah Almighty) created for you, your (matrimonial) partners from your species so that you may find tranquillity from them; and designed between you love, tolerance and kindness…’ 

This verse reminds us that a marriage is intended to be a sanctuary of mutual understanding and peace. Respecting your spouse’s background and life experience is a beautiful expression of that mercy. 

Respect and Good Character in Family Life 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 278, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most complete of the believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are those who are best to their wives.’ 

This hadith teaches us that the completeness of our faith is often measured by the way we treat those who are closest to us. Honouring your spouse’s childhood, even when it is very different from your own, is a sign of a truly refined character. 

Parenting as a Sacred Trust (Amanah) 

Our children are a sacred trust (amanah) from Allah. This trust requires that parents rise above their own personal histories and seek what is best for nurturing their child’s soul. Respecting your spouse’s past does not mean you must copy it blindly, nor should you reject it harshly. It means using it as a source of insight while making your shared decisions based on compassion and justice. 

When parents are able to practise this mercy and balance, their children not only grow up with a sense of stability, but they also get to witness a living example of Islamic values in action. This harmony becomes a part of the child’s own faith formation, teaching them that differences can and should coexist under the beautiful umbrella of respect, love, and a shared devotion to Allah.