After a conflict, I go cold and quiet. Is this silence considered sabr or is it closer to emotional withdrawal, which our Deen discourages? 

Parenting Perspective 

Going cold and quiet after a conflict can feel like a form of self-restraint, but it is more often a sign of emotional withdrawal than true sabr (patience). This is especially true when the silence is filled with tension or an intent to punish through disconnection. Children are highly perceptive; they may not hear any shouting, but they can feel an emotional freeze. This kind of silent treatment can be deeply unsettling for them, creating an atmosphere that looks calm but feels profoundly unsafe. Instead of modelling healthy emotional processing, it can teach a child that silence is a weapon, or that love is something that disappears during a conflict. 

Silence that heals vs silence that distances 

There is a vast difference between taking a moment to collect yourself and turning emotionally cold. If your silence is a temporary, reflective pause to self-regulate before returning with softness, it can indeed be a form of inner sabr. However, if the silence extends, shuts down communication, and leaves your family feeling emotionally cut off, it crosses the line into emotional neglect. To course-correct this, try narrating your need for space: “I just need a moment to calm myself down, but I will come back to this soon.” This simple act transforms a cold silence into a contained pause and models for your child that it is possible to take space without disconnecting. This is the kind of emotional resilience children need to witness. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, sabr is an active and courageous virtue, not a passive withdrawal. It involves controlling one’s emotions, but it also demands that we remain present with grace and strive for reconciliation. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ never used silence as a punishment. His pauses were for reflection, never for emotional isolation. His patience was always marked by dignity, not by distance. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 134: 

‘…They suppress their anger; and are forgiving to people; and Allah (Almighty) loves those who are benevolent. ‘

Note the crucial pairing in this verse: true virtue is not only about restraining anger but also about the active step of pardoning people and returning to a state of goodness (ihsan). A cold silence without that return falls short of the true spirit of sabr. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6114, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong person is not the one who throws his adversaries to the ground. The strong person is the one who contains himself when angry. ‘

This containment means emotional self-discipline, not a cold and punishing withdrawal. The Prophet ﷺ demonstrated that true strength lies in the ability to remain present with others, even when experiencing pain. Therefore, a prolonged, cold silence is not the sabr our faith encourages. However, every time you choose to soften your silence, state your intention to return, and then do so with gentleness, you transform what could be a withdrawal into a deeply Islamic act of patience. In doing so, you teach your child that true patience is not about disappearing; it is about holding space with strength and always returning with mercy.