When my child blames others for their behaviour, ‘She made me do it’, how do I correct them without a long lecture? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child deflects blame by saying, ‘She made me do it’, they are avoiding responsibility—a habit that, if left unaddressed, can hinder their personal growth. While the temptation is to deliver a long lecture on personal accountability, this approach is rarely effective and often becomes background noise. Your child needs a clear, immediate correction that helps them shift their thinking. 

Correcting Without Lecturing 

The first step is to neutralise the deflection without any emotional charge. Calmly and firmly say, ‘That was your choice to make, not hers’. It is crucial to be direct and concise, avoiding sarcasm or arguments. Do not ask questions like ‘Why would you let her make you do that?’, as this only invites more excuses. Instead, state the principle: ‘Even if someone else does something wrong, you are in charge of your own actions’. 

The Focus on Personal Choice 

Next, apply a logical consequence that is tied to the behaviour, not the blame. For example: ‘Because you chose to hit, you will sit out for ten minutes. It does not matter who started it; we are all responsible for how we respond’. Later, once things are calm, you can ask a short, reflective question: ‘Even though you were feeling provoked, what could you have done differently?’. This gently guides your child towards understanding that their choices are always their own. 

Building an Internal Compass 

You must be consistent with this message in all situations. Whether your children are arguing over a toy or your child is frustrated after school, the gentle reminder should be the same: ‘You are in charge of your actions’. Over time, this consistent message builds a foundation for genuine accountability, which is far more meaningful than a forced apology or a lesson delivered through shame. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places a strong emphasis on the Nafs (the self) and the ultimate accountability each person has for their own actions, regardless of external influences. Shifting blame is more than a simple bad habit; it runs contrary to the core Islamic principles of justice and self-awareness. 

The Weight of Individual Actions 

This powerful verse makes it clear that on the Day of Judgement, each soul will be shown its own deeds—not the actions of others, and not the excuses offered, but the choices they made. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zilzal (99), Verses 7–8: 

‘So whoever does an atom’s weight of good will see it, and whoever does an atom’s weight of evil will see it.‘

Strength as Self-Mastery 

This Hadith reinforces the principle of personal restraint. Even when we are provoked by others, true strength lies not in reacting or blaming, but in maintaining control over our own response. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6114, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong person is not the one who throws his adversaries to the ground. The strong person is the one who contains himself when angry.‘

By calmly redirecting your child’s focus from blaming others back to their own choices, you are teaching one of life’s most profound lessons: that growth begins the moment we take responsibility for our actions. This is more than discipline; it is the cultivation of a character that understands its accountability to you, to others, and ultimately, to Allah Almighty.