When our child struggles, we end up blaming each other. How do we shift from blame to real teamwork? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child is struggling, it is natural for parents to feel stressed, and this stress can easily turn into a cycle of blame. This not only strains the marital bond but also creates an insecure environment for the child. Shifting from blame to teamwork requires a conscious and united effort. 

Agree to Tackle the Problem, Not Each Other 

The first step is to have a private conversation where you both agree on a shared goal. Start by saying, ‘When we are worried about our child, it is easy for us to start blaming each other. I would like us to agree that from now on, we are a team against the problem, not against each other’. This simple pact reframes the entire dynamic. 

Practise Calmer Communication Techniques 

During your discussions, use inclusive language like, ‘What can we try together to support them?’ instead of ‘What are you going to do about it?’ If emotions become heated, agree to a cool-down period. A simple, ‘Let us pause this conversation and come back to it when we are both calmer,’ is a sign of strength, not weakness. 

Present a United Front to Your Child 

It is vital that your child sees you as a unified team, even if you are still figuring things out. Present decisions together by saying, ‘Mummy and I have been talking, and we have decided to try a new approach to help you with your homework’. This creates a powerful sense of stability and security for a child who is already struggling. 

This consistent teamwork gradually becomes part of the family’s identity, replacing the destructive pattern of blame with a constructive cycle of support. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that unity, consultation, and mutual mercy are the foundations of a healthy family, especially during times of difficulty. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Ash Shura (42), Verse 38: 

‘And those who have responded to their Lord and established prayer and whose affair is [determined by] consultation among themselves…‘ 

This verse champions the principle of shura, or mutual consultation, as a hallmark of a believing community. For parents facing a challenge with their child, coming together to consult with wisdom and empathy is a spiritual practice. It transforms a moment of stress into an act of worship. 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ reminded us of the divine source of compassion. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, 4293, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Allah has one hundred parts of mercy, of which He sent down one between the jinn, mankind, the animals and the insects, by means of which they are compassionate and merciful to one another…‘ 

This hadith is a beautiful reminder that the compassion we feel for our children and spouses is a reflection of a divine attribute. Choosing to be merciful and supportive with your partner, rather than blaming them, is a way of honouring that spark of divine mercy and inviting more of it into your home.