What can I say when they feel selfish for not sharing? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child expresses a feeling of selfishness for not sharing, it is often a sign of a sensitive and compassionate heart that values fairness. Before correcting this feeling, it is important to first acknowledge the goodness behind it. This approach validates their empathy while gently guiding them towards a more balanced and sustainable understanding of generosity. 

Acknowledge the Softness of Their Heart 

Begin by honouring their feelings, as this shows that you understand their internal struggle. You could say, ‘The fact that you are thinking about others shows what a kind and caring heart you have, and that is a truly beautiful quality’. This affirmation creates an atmosphere of safety, allowing them to be receptive to guidance rather than feeling defensive. It separates their identity from their action, teaching them that feeling a pang of conscience is a sign of a healthy moral compass, not a sign that they are a selfish person. 

Reframe Generosity as a Wise Choice 

Next, gently introduce the concept that true generosity in Islam is a conscious choice, not a constant and painful obligation. Explain that it is permissible to keep what is rightfully theirs, especially if they have a need for it. You might say, ‘It is okay to keep what is yours sometimes. True kindness comes from a heart that chooses to give freely, not one that feels forced to’. You can use a relatable example: ‘If you share all of your lunch when you are very hungry, you will not have the energy to play or learn. Islam teaches us to be wise and balanced in our kindness’. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam provides a deeply nuanced understanding of generosity, one that is rooted in moderation, wisdom, and sincerity. It does not advocate for a self-neglect that leads to hardship. Instead, it guides believers to maintain a balance where one can be both grateful for their own blessings and compassionate towards others. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al A’raf (7), Verse 31: 

‘O children of Adam, take your adornment at every place of worship, and eat and drink, but do not be excessive. Indeed, He does not like those who commit excess…’ 

This verse is a cornerstone of the Islamic principle of moderation. You can explain to your child that the command “do not be excessive” applies to all aspects of life. While giving is a virtue, giving to the point of self-harm or neglecting one’s primary responsibilities is a form of excess (israf) that is not beloved by Allah. Sharing when one is able and choosing to keep when one is in need are both actions that can please Allah, as long as they are done with a sincere and wise heart. 

The teachings of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ further broaden our understanding of what it means to be a good and beneficial person. 

It is recorded in Sunan Nisai, Hadith 75, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:  

‘Actions are but by intentions, and every man shall have but that which he intended…’ 

This hadith reminds us that goodness is not measured solely by material giving, but by a person’s overall character and warmth. You can explain this to your child by saying, ‘Even if you chose not to share your toy today, your warm smile, your kind words, or your willingness to play fairly are also beautiful forms of generosity’. This helps them see that their value is not tied to a single act of sharing. A believer’s primary state is to be a source of comfort and ease for others, and this is a continuous act of charity.