How can I respond when family praises one child’s ‘clever saving’ and belittles another? 

Parenting Perspective 

When family members praise one child’s “clever saving” while belittling another’s spending habits, it can create deep feelings of inadequacy or resentment. The key to managing this situation is to address the unfairness calmly, ensuring that each child’s unique strengths are recognised and celebrated. By fostering a family environment where all sincere efforts are appreciated, you can help to prevent comparisons and can encourage a sense of mutual respect. 

Address the Praise and the Belittling Comment 

You can start by addressing both the praise and the belittling comment in a balanced way. ‘It is wonderful that your sibling is learning how to save, but we should also recognise the unique strengths and efforts of each of you, without comparing one to the other.’ This can help to prevent any child from feeling less valuable. 

Celebrate Each Child’s Strengths Individually 

It is important to celebrate the child who was belittled by highlighting their own unique strengths. You could say, ‘You may have different ways of handling money, and that is perfectly okay. What matters is that you are learning and growing and always doing your best.’ This can reassure the child that their own way of doing things is also valued. 

Encourage Family Unity and Mutual Support 

You can help to encourage a spirit of support and cooperation within your family. A simple reminder like, ‘We should try to celebrate each other’s achievements and learn from one another, rather than comparing ourselves,’ can help to foster a sense of unity and can reduce any feelings of competition or rivalry. 

Reinforce Personal Growth Over Comparison 

Remind your children that their value is not based on external praise or on comparisons with others. ‘Your worth is not determined by what other people might think of you, but by how you grow as a person and how you treat other people. Let us focus on our own personal growth and on supporting each other.’ This helps to shift the focus away from a need for external validation and towards the cultivation of a secure sense of self. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the values of fairness, kindness, and respect for others are strongly emphasised in all our interactions, including those within our own family. Teaching our children to appreciate each other’s efforts without resorting to comparison aligns perfectly with these core Islamic values. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujurat (49), Verses 11: 

‘O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them…’ 

This verse emphasises the great importance of avoiding judgement and the ridicule of others. By teaching your children to appreciate each other’s unique strengths without belittling anyone, you are helping to align your family with the beautiful values of respect and fairness in Islam. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 3849, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not envy one another, do not hate one another, do not turn your backs on one another…’ 

This hadith teaches us the importance of treating others with respect and empathy, fostering an environment of mutual support rather than one of rivalry. By promoting a sense of fairness and equality in your home, you can help your children to embrace these beautiful values in all their daily interactions.