What do I say when elders slip money secretly to a favourite? 

Parenting Perspective 

When an elder gives money secretly to a favourite child, it can create a sense of division and can lead to feelings of resentment among siblings. The key is to address the situation delicately, ensuring that all your children feel equally loved and valued. It is important to emphasise the values of fairness and equality in the family, while also teaching your children to avoid comparison and to appreciate the love and care they receive, regardless of any material gifts. 

Acknowledge the Discomfort Without Creating Conflict 

You can start by acknowledging that your child may feel uncomfortable or confused by the situation. You might say, ‘I know it can seem unfair when one person receives something in secret, but let us try to focus on the love and support we all share as a family, not just on material gifts.’ This helps your child to feel heard, without escalating the situation or causing further tension. 

Reassure All Children of Their Equal Love and Value 

It is vital to reaffirm that material gifts do not define the love that a parent or a relative has for any child. ‘What matters most is the love we share as a family. Gifts will come and go, but what truly counts is the special bond that we have with each other.’ This helps to reinforce the idea that your family’s love is not based on material things. 

Encourage Openness and Transparency About Money 

You can teach your children to be open about the money or gifts they receive, ensuring that everything is shared openly so as to prevent feelings of jealousy. You could say, ‘In our family, let us always try to talk about our gifts, so that no one ever feels left out or uncomfortable. We should always share our news openly, so that everyone feels included and valued.’ This encourages a sense of transparency and understanding within the family. 

Focus on Family Unity Over Material Gifts 

You can help to shift your child’s focus from the material gift to the emotional value of your family’s unity. ‘The best gifts we can ever give each other are the happy memories and the love that we share. Let us enjoy our time together and appreciate what we have.’ This helps a child to understand that while material gifts are temporary, their family bonds are lasting and precious. This reinforces the value of true connection. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam emphasises the values of equality, fairness, and humility in all our interactions, particularly within the family. Ensuring a sense of fairness when it comes to the giving of gifts aligns with the beautiful Islamic values of justice and the avoidance of jealousy. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujurat (49), Verses 11: 

‘O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them…’ 

This verse reminds us to avoid all forms of favouritism and mockery, emphasising that every single person has their own unique worth, which is never defined by their material possessions. 

It is recorded in Bulugh Al Maram, Hadith 184, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah, and be just among your children…’ 

This beautiful hadith teaches us the immense importance of fairness in all our affairs, including in the distribution of gifts. By promoting a sense of fairness and avoiding any kind of secret gift-giving, you can help to foster an environment of equality and mutual respect, in line with these timeless Islamic teachings.