What is a fair plan when one party costs more but the other prefers a simple day? 

Parenting Perspective 

This question highlights the tension that can arise when fairness is measured by monetary value rather than the thoughtfulness behind a celebration. For children, fairness is often interpreted as identical treatment, especially regarding gifts, birthdays, and family occasions. When one child wants a grand celebration while the other prefers a quiet day, it is natural for them to question whether they are valued equally. As a parent, you can ease this discomfort by redefining fairness in a way that feels genuine and meaningful to both children. 

Acknowledge and Validate Feelings 

Begin by acknowledging that both children’s preferences are valid and important. For example, you could say, ‘I understand you are worried this might not feel fair. Let me explain how we can ensure each of you feels loved in the way that matters most to you’. This approach softens the tension and demonstrates that you are listening to both sides. 

Shift the Focus from Equal to Equitable 

Reframe the concept of fairness by explaining that it does not always mean identical treatment. True fairness is about meeting individual needs, not making everything exactly the same. You could explain, ‘Your sister wanted a big party, and that is important to her. You wanted a quieter, simpler day, and that is important to you. What matters most is that we celebrate you both in the way that brings you the most joy’. Over time, this helps them understand that fairness is about respecting individual needs rather than comparing experiences. 

Create a Family Guideline for Fairness 

It is helpful to establish a family rule that fairness is about love and intention, not money. A clear family guideline could be: ‘We show our love by giving each person what makes them happiest, not by giving the same thing to everyone’. This statement helps to reduce future misunderstandings about fairness during celebrations or holidays. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic teachings offer a profound understanding of fairness and justice that extends beyond material equality. True fairness is rooted in the intention and effort behind an action, not merely in the outward appearance of equality. Parents are encouraged to balance love and justice by considering what is truly beneficial for each child. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah An Nahl (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah commands justice and good conduct and giving to relatives and forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.’ 

This verse highlights that true justice involves more than equal distribution; it involves acting with fairness in both deeds and intentions. When parents make decisions tailored to each child’s needs and desires, they are embodying the justice commanded by Allah Almighty. 

It is recorded in Bulugh al-Maram, Book 7, Hadith 184, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’ 

This hadith stresses the importance of being fair in every aspect of parenting, particularly when children have different needs and desires. In line with the guidance of Allah Almighty, fairness involves making decisions that cater to the unique needs of each child, ensuring they feel equally valued even when their celebrations differ. By creating a plan based on individual preferences, you uphold this principle of justice and teach your children that fairness is rooted in love, intention, and understanding, not in making everything identical.