Parenting Perspective 

When a child declares, ‘That is not my mess,’ they are expressing more than a simple refusal. They are voicing a narrow view of responsibility: that duties only exist where direct ownership is involved. To them, fairness means only cleaning what they created. While this logic contains some truth, it overlooks the deeper lesson of family life, which is shared responsibility. 

The Child’s Sense of Fairness 

Children are highly sensitive to justice. If a sibling scatters toys and they are then asked to tidy them, they may feel wronged. Their reaction is less about laziness than it is about defending their sense of fairness. Acknowledging this perspective is vital. You can begin by saying, ‘I know you did not make this mess, and that feels unfair.’ This recognition softens their resistance and creates a space for you to teach them. 

Shifting from ‘Me’ to ‘We’ 

Families are not partnerships of perfect fairness but circles of support. A parent can explain that in a household, everyone contributes beyond their own messes. You can use real-life metaphors to illustrate this: ‘When I cook, I make food for you even if I do not eat much myself. When you help clean, you are giving back to the family.’ These comparisons gradually shift their thinking from individual duty to collective care. 

Teaching Flexibility and Empathy 

Children who learn to step in even when something is ‘not theirs’ are developing empathy. The ability to help beyond personal responsibility prepares them for friendships, teamwork, and eventually, roles within their community. Parents can praise not only the action but also the spirit behind it: ‘Thank you for helping even though it was not your mess; that shows kindness and maturity.’ This recognition elevates their sense of self-worth. 

One Small Micro-Action 

The next time your child says, ‘That is not my mess,’ respond gently: ‘You are right, it is not yours, but helping makes the whole home better for all of us.’ Then, invite them to share a small part of the clean-up, not the entire task. Over time, these small contributions build a culture of cooperation without overwhelming them. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam emphasises that service is not confined to what benefits us personally. Helping others, even when the benefit is indirect, is an essential part of living as a believer. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Maaidah (5), Verse 2: 

‘…And participate with each other to promote righteousness and piety, and do not collaborate in the committal of any sin or moral transgression; an attained piety from Allah (Almighty), as indeed, Allah (Almighty) is Meticulous in (the implementation of) His retribution.’ 

This verse calls upon us to cooperate in good deeds. For a child, picking up what is not theirs can be framed as a form of cooperation in righteousness. It is not about losing fairness but about building a home where everyone supports one another. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 2446, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A believer to another believer is like a building whose different parts enforce each other.’ 

A household mirrors this Hadith. One sibling’s effort supports another, and together they form a stronger family unit. Parents can explain that just as bricks do not complain, ‘That weight is not mine,’ family members too must share the load. This helps children see that family life is not about dividing messes neatly, but about strengthening one another through shared effort. 

When parents model this spirit, children slowly internalise that helping beyond one’s own mess is not unfair; it is noble. It builds empathy, resilience, and unity. In time, they will recognise that responsibility is not limited to their own corner, but extends to the well-being of the entire family.