Parenting Perspective 

When children are used as go-betweens, they can feel burdened by adult responsibilities. This dynamic can also lead to tension and miscommunication, as messages may be unintentionally (or intentionally) distorted. The healthiest approach is to implement a clear plan where parents communicate directly, freeing children from this inappropriate weight. 

Establish a Clear ‘No-Messenger’ Rule 

Communicate this new boundary plainly to your children. You can say, ‘From now on, Mum and Dad will talk to each other directly. You do not have to carry messages for us anymore’. Repeating this consistently helps them internalise it as a clear family boundary and feel secure in it. 

Commit to Using Direct Channels of Communication 

As parents, you must commit to speaking to each other directly, whether it is face-to-face, over the phone, or through text messages. Even when it feels less convenient, direct communication is essential for preventing confusion and protecting your children from being caught in loyalty conflicts. 

Redirect and Reinforce the Rule Consistently 

If your child does attempt to deliver a message from the other parent, it is important to redirect them immediately but gently. A good response is, ‘Thank you for letting me know. I will discuss this directly with your Mum/Dad’. You must then follow through by making that contact yourself. Over time, your children will learn that they are no longer the ‘middle ground’. 

Reassure Your Child of Their Role 

It is important to remind them why this rule is in place. You can say, ‘Your job is just to be a child, not to be a messenger. We will handle all the grown-up talk’. This simple reassurance removes any stress they might feel and teaches them that a healthy family structure protects children from adult responsibilities. 

By strictly adhering to this plan, you safeguard your child’s emotional security and model healthy, direct communication. You demonstrate unity by speaking directly to one another and prevent your children from being caught in the middle of adult matters. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places great importance on justice, responsibility, and the safeguarding of the vulnerable. Burdening a child with adult communications undermines their innocence, whereas direct and honest communication between parents preserves both family harmony and fairness. 

The Principle of Not Overburdening a Soul 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 286: 

‘ Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity…’ 

This fundamental principle applies profoundly to parenting. Children are not emotionally equipped to handle the weight of adult communication. It is a parent’s duty to ensure they are not burdened with responsibilities beyond their capacity, allowing them to grow and learn in safety. 

The Sin of Neglecting One’s Dependents 

It is recorded in Bulugh Al Maram, Hadith 207, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘It is enough sin for a man that he neglects those whom he is responsible for.’ 

This powerful Hadith reminds us that parental responsibility includes protecting children from all forms of harm. This protection extends to emotional and psychological burdens, such as the stress of carrying messages they are not equipped to handle. 

By creating a no-messenger rule, parents fulfil their duty of mercy and responsibility. Children grow up knowing their role is to be loved, guided, and cared for, not to mediate between adults. This preserves both their innocence and the unity of the family.