What is a good way to respond if my child threatens to hurt themselves after refusal? 

Parenting Perspective 

When your child says, ‘I will hurt myself,’ or ‘I wish I was not here,’ after you have refused something, it can strike a deep sense of terror into your heart. It is one of the most frightening sentences a parent can ever hear. In that moment, feelings of fear, guilt, and confusion may begin to flood your mind, and yet it is vital that you remain calm. These words do not always mean that your child truly wants to harm themselves. Often, they are a desperate cry for attention, for validation, or for a sense of control. Even so, they must always be taken seriously.

Understanding What Is Really Being Communicated 

Children can sometimes resort to using extreme language when they are feeling powerless or unseen. They may not yet fully grasp the meaning of their words; they are simply trying to show you how intensely they are feeling in that moment. A threat of self-harm can often mean, ‘I cannot handle this pain,’ or ‘I need you to see just how upset I am.’ This understanding can help you to respond with a sense of concern, not of panic, and with a sense of compassion, not of anger. 

How to Respond with a Calm and Grounded Presence 

The most important thing you can offer your child in this moment is your own calm and grounded presence. Reacting with fear or by shouting at them can increase their level of distress. 

• Take a slow breath and consciously soften the tone of your voice. 

• Move closer to them, if it feels safe to do so, and say, ‘I can see that you are really upset right now, and I am here to help you to stay safe.’ 

• Keep your body language relaxed and open, and avoid any sense of judgment or of lecturing them in that moment. 

If you feel that your child is at any real or immediate risk, it is important to ensure their safety. You should stay with them, remove any potentially harmful objects from their reach, and seek professional help straight away. 

Validating Their Feelings, Not the Threat 

It is possible to acknowledge your child’s emotion without having to reinforce their behaviour. You could say, ‘I know that you are feeling really hurt and angry right now. It is okay for you to feel upset, but hurting yourself is not the answer. Let us talk about what is making this feel so hard for you.’ This helps to separate your empathy from your approval and shows them that their big feelings are safe to be shared, but that any form of self-harm is never an acceptable response. 

Spiritual Insight 

A child’s emotional pain can be a very heavy test for a parent, but Islam reminds us that the qualities of mercy, of patience, and of hope are the pillars of our guidance in any form of hardship. When your child expresses a sense of despair, your own compassion can become a reflection of the divine mercy, an invitation for them to begin to heal through a sense of calmness, of connection, and of prayer. 

The Sanctity and Value of Life in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 70: 

‘Indeed, We (Allah Almighty) have honoured the descendants of Adam; and fostered them over the land and the sea; and provided sustenance for them with purified nourishment; and We gave them preferential treatment over many of those (species) We have created with special privileges.’ 

This verse reminds us that every human being, including your own child, has been deeply honoured and is cherished by Allah. Their life is a sacred thing, and it is filled with a divine purpose, even when they themselves cannot see it. Gently and lovingly reminding your child that they are valued by Allah can help to rekindle their own sense of worth when they are feeling lost or unseen. 

The Prophetic Compassion for Emotional Distress 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 225, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever relieves a believer of a worldly distress, Allah will relieve him of a distress on the Day of Resurrection.’ 

This hadith teaches us that the act of comforting another person in their pain is a deeply spiritual one. When your child is crying in a state of despair, your own patience and your gentle reassurance are not only acts of good parenting; they can also be seen as acts of worship. Each word of comfort that you are able to offer in these moments carries with it a great reward, and each moment of your own calmness becomes a form of mercy that is deeply loved by Allah. 

When your child threatens to harm themselves, you are standing at a crossroads between your own fear and your faith in Allah. Responding with a sense of composure does not mean that you are minimising their pain; it means that you are anchoring them in a sense of safety at a time when they are feeling adrift. Your very presence in that moment is saying to them, ‘You matter to me, and I will help you through this.’ 

Every calm word that you are able to speak, and every silent moment that you are able to sit beside them, is teaching your child that your love for them does not disappear when their own emotions feel so overwhelming. Over time, they will be able to learn from your own example that their feelings can be survived, not feared, and that a sense of mercy will always be stronger than a sense of despair. 

In these difficult moments, you can turn to Allah in your own private dua. You can ask Him for the strength, for the wisdom, and for a sense of peace to enter your child’s heart. You can remember that your own patience in these moments is not a passive state; it is the active language of love, the kind that is able to heal another’s pain, to restore their trust, and to guide your child back towards the beautiful light of hope.