We were raised with different expectations, I saw my mother do everything, and my spouse saw equality. Now our child is watching us clash. How do we realign our example? 

Parenting Perspective 

When two people bring diverse upbringings into a shared home, their differences do not cancel out; rather, they collide. What you witnessed growing up may have taught you that love entails sacrifice, but your partner may associate love with collaborative effort. When unspoken, these expectations discreetly control your actions, and children can sense the tension. Your child is witnessing not just two parenting methods, but two emotional legacies competing. The idea is not to erase your upbringing or overturn your spouse’s. It is to intentionally choose what you want your child to see and inherit. 

Start by naming the clash gently: “I think we are parenting from different templates, not out of disagreement, but because we were raised differently.” Then, work together to create a new shared model based on what your child needs to see, rather than what you saw. Create clear roles, rotate specific chores, and actively acknowledge each other’s efforts in front of your child. Show that family life is about adapting for harmony rather than determining which model succeeds. The most significant legacy you can leave for your child is not about your history. They sense humility and unity in your ability to rise beyond it.

 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam values both tradition and transformation. While you may come from a lineage of selfless moms or stoic fathers, you are not obligated to carry on what has been passed down, especially if it no longer promotes justice, love, or well-being. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ revolutionised a patriarchal society by demonstrating tenderness, service, and equity at home. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ra’ad (13), Verse 11: 

‘…Allah (Almighty) does not alter (the condition) of any nation, unless they start to make positive changes by themselves…’ 

This verse tells us that progress begins when we choose to evolve within, rather than mindlessly repeating what we have been shown. It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most complete of the believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are those who are best to their families. ‘

Realigning your example does not imply erasing your origins; rather, it means refining them for your child’s future. And that refining is a manifestation of trust.