We never sat down to divide roles, it just ‘happened’ over the years. But now our child is growing up assuming mum equals burden and dad equals break. How do we reverse this? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Unintended Lesson 

When family responsibilities shift silently, children fill in the gaps, and those assumptions can endure a lifetime. If your child observes one parent moving while the other relaxes, they may assume that imbalance is normal, or even warranted. This is not simply about being fair to your partner. It is about the emotional pattern you are passing down: who bears the burden, who gets to rest, and who is ‘allowed’ to opt out.

 

A Strategy for Visible Rebalancing 

The good news is that these patterns can be altered, not by a single extraordinary shift, but through visible, persistent rebalancing. Sit down as a couple (without your child) and have an open discussion about what your child observes. Use language that conveys shared responsibility rather than accusations. Then, identify and rotate a few recurrent responsibilities, such as bedtime, lunch packing, and school meetings. Involve your child in this reset by demonstrating that both parents are capable and present. You might say, “Today, Baba is helping you with your homework while I take a break, teamwork!” Children notice these events, even if they appear insignificant. With consistency and humility, your family can transition from quiet tradition to intentional modelling; from unconscious inequity to conscious, visible partnership. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam values intention, impartiality, and the attempt to alter even long-held habits. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ chose to be present rather than waiting for someone to ask him to help at home. He never acted as if some responsibilities were beneath him or just for one gender. Instead, he demonstrated dignity in service and harmony in collaboration. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction…’ 

Justice begins within the confines of a family, not just in what is said, but also in what is silently done and witnessed. It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 676, that when Aisha (RA) was asked what the Prophet (ﷺ) used to do in his house, she replied: 

He used to keep himself busy serving his family. 

That service was not accidental. It was chosen. So, if roles simply happened in your home, now is the time to recast them with ihsaan (excellence) and balance, rather than shame or blame. Your child is looking for honesty, effort, and the bravery to make things right.