Our child now waits to see who they can ask for permission. Could that be a result of seeing us contradict each other? 

Parenting Perspective 

Yes, when a child begins to strategically wait before asking for permission, it is often a clear sign they have observed contradictions between you and your spouse. This behaviour, sometimes called ‘splitting’, typically emerges when a child learns that a “no” from one parent might be overturned by a “yes” from the other. This is not necessarily malicious manipulation; it is more often a child’s logical attempt to navigate inconsistent rules by following the path of least resistance. Over time, however, this pattern undermines the authority of both parents and erodes the child’s own sense of security. Children thrive on fairness, predictability, and clarity, not on feeling that they must strategise to have their needs met. 

How to rebuild consistency and trust 

To break this cycle, you and your spouse should agree on a new default response. When your child asks for permission, your first answer should be, “Let me check with your mother/father first.” This immediately communicates unity and also healthily delays immediate gratification. If your child then approaches the parent they perceive as ‘softer’, that parent must gently redirect them by saying, “You have already asked your father/mother about this, and we are on the same page.” This kind of teamwork does more than just rebuild consistency; it teaches your child the powerful lesson that family rules are based on shared wisdom, not on moods or individual leniency. Over time, your child will stop strategising, because they will come to understand that the answer, even if it is sometimes adjusted, comes from a single, trusted front. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, consistency between parents is more than just a parenting technique; it reflects the principle of tawheed (oneness) that we are meant to embody in our family values. A united home, much like a united community, offers clarity, trust, and stability. When parents constantly contradict each other, they plant seeds of uncertainty in a child’s heart, which is the very opposite of protecting the emotional amanah (trust) we have been given. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Noor (24), Verses 55: 

‘… And He (Allah Almighty) shall surely establish for them, their pathway of life (compliant with existential nature as created by Allah Almighty), which He has approved for them; and He (Allah Almighty) shall substitute their fears with tranquillity; as they worship Me (Allah Almighty) and do not ascribe to anything instead of Me (Allah Almighty)… ‘

Just as divine guidance brings peace and security after a period of fear, consistent parental guidance brings security to a child after a period of uncertainty. A child learns to trust the world when they can first trust in the unity of the two people who matter most. 

It is recorded in Mishkat Al Masabih, Hadith 3685, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Every one of you is a shepherd, and every one of you is responsible for his flock. ‘

This profound teaching reminds us that both parents are accountable for the emotional landscape of their home. Working together as a pair, not in rivalry but in quiet unity, is a direct reflection of that sacred responsibility. When you and your spouse begin to act as one in moments of decision-making, your child will stop looking for loopholes and start trusting in your unified guidance. This shift is not merely behavioural; it is a deeply spiritual one that fosters respect, stability, and a love rooted in the foundational principles of our faith.