My spouse always sides with their family during arguments, even when it is about our parenting choices. What message does this send to our child about unity? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Impact on the Child 

When a child sees one parent constantly siding with extended family over the other, particularly on parenting issues, it causes more than just hurt feelings; it shatters the picture of togetherness on which children rely so heavily. To a child, parents are more than just carers; they form a team. When that team looks to be divided, it disrupts the emotional environment. They may begin to question which parent they should trust, or worse, start manipulating events to get what they want from whatever adult. Over time, this can affect their perceptions of loyalty, justice, and dispute resolution. 

A Strategy for Realigning 

This is not about cutting ties with family, it is about recognising that your primary partnership in parenting is with your spouse. Behind closed doors, you and your partner can (and should) discuss, dispute, and work things out. However, consistency is important in front of the child and others. If your spouse constantly sides with their parents, it is essential to address the deeper emotional layer: “When you choose your parents’ view over mine in front of our child, it leaves me isolated and undermines the balance we are trying to build.” Do not portray it as betrayal, but rather as a misalignment of roles. Invite your spouse to consider parenting as a partnership rather than a competition of allegiance. Children thrive when they observe respectful disagreement and gracious solidarity, rather than when they are compelled to choose sides between individuals they care about. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam firmly supports parental rights, but it also places a high value on marital fidelity, particularly when it comes to raising children. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ struck a delicate balance between appreciating his family and reinforcing the confidence he had with his wife. He prioritised justice and emotional responsibility in the household, never letting family influence take precedence. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Noor (24), Verse 61: 

‘…But when you enter the houses, then say Salaam in your greeting, pertaining to Allah (Almighty) for your own benefit, which is Blessed and a source of purification; in this way (Allah) Almighty has clarified for you the benchmarks (of modest behaviour); so that you may understand (the rationale of the truth).’ 

This verse emphasises that houses should be based on blessings, harmony, and mutual dignity, not silent divides or repeated hurt. It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 3982, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A believer is not stung from the same hole twice. ‘

If siding with extended family consistently causes pain and undermines unity, it is time to reflect and reset. Maintaining peace in your marriage does not imply abandoning your family; rather, it demonstrates a dedication to the sanctity of the home. When your child sees you prioritising clarity, protection, and mutual respect, they will inherit a living example of what successful relationships look like – not just in marriage, but throughout life.