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My child is scared of their father’s temper. How do I help support both of them without creating resentment or shame? 

Parenting Perspective 

The Impact of a Father’s Temper 

Respect does not develop through fear; rather, it leads to a sense of detachment. When a child is afraid of their father’s temper, they may become withdrawn, defensive, or nervous in the house. This undermines the parent-child bond and can cause long-term emotional strife. Your role is not to protect your child from accountability, but to ensure that they feel comfortable receiving correction. 

A Strategy for Support and Repair 

Stay calm in the present. If a harsh tone is used, do not quarrel in front of the child. Instead say, Let us speak calmly later and sort this together. Once your emotions have settled, provide private support to both your spouse and your child. Help your husband reflect on tone without blame: I noticed she went quiet after that. I am concerned she felt afraid. Frame it as a care for both of them. Then invite tiny modifications, such as a pause before speaking or a brief apologies following tension. When children get harsh or unpredictable reprimand, they internalise shame. Also reassure your child quietly: Your father loves you even when he says no. It is not your fault you felt scared. This prevents blame from turning inward. Emphasise your child’s courage in speaking up and your husband’s willingness to adapt. Emotional safety gradually returns with constant reassurance and gentle guidance. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam promotes justice, compassion, and emotional safety in relationships, particularly those between parents and children. Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verse 19: 

And cohabit with them with the positivity (of kindness), for if you dislike them, then perhaps it may be that in your (tolerance to the) dislike of something, may cause for you (to receive) something even better from Allah (Almighty).” 

This verse reminds parents that kindness is not an option. Even in correction, pity and tenderness are required. When children are not treated with kindness, they internalise terror. It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4807, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

Allah Almighty is gentle, likes gentleness, and gives for gentleness what he does not give for harshness.” 

This Hadith underlines that righteous parenting requires emotional connection rather than just provision or power. When a father uses kindness in correction, a soft tone, a calm presence, and a reflective apology, the child feels cared for rather than controlled. You may help both parent and child heal emotionally without feeling ashamed or resentful by providing balanced assistance. 

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