I once heard my child using a controlling tone with a younger sibling, the same tone I use when trying to ‘keep peace’. What do I do? 

Parenting Perspective 

Hearing your child use the same controlling tone that you use to ‘keep the peace’ can be a painful but powerful wake-up call. This is not a sign of failure; it is simply a mirror reflecting what has been modelled. Children internalise not only our words but our tone, especially in moments of stress. If your peacekeeping often sounds like, “Just do it now,” or, “Enough, this discussion is over,” your child may absorb the message that control is the fastest route to calm. They then mirror this with younger siblings, believing that managing others is about asserting authority, not showing empathy. The challenge is not just the tone itself, but the emotional shortcut they have learned. To change this, you must model a new approach that balances clarity with gentleness. When you hear them use that tone, do not shame them; guide them. You could say, “I noticed your voice was a little sharp just then. Could you try saying that again with a kinder voice?” Then, later, reflect with them honestly: “I realise I sometimes speak like that too when I am rushed. I want to change that, so let us work on it together.” 

When your child mirrors your stress style 

It is crucial to remember that your child is not copying your tone to be disrespectful; they are copying it as a coping strategy. If they have observed that a controlling tone brings about order, they will naturally equate calm with dominance. Your role is to reframe that association for them. You can start by narrating your own emotional repairs aloud, for example, “I know I was very firm just now, but I want to explain my reasons more gently.” This shows your child that a person’s tone is not fixed; it can be softened and revisited. This gives them the emotional permission to rewire their own communication habits without feeling ashamed. 

Spiritual Insight 

In the Islamic tradition, a person’s tone of voice, especially when directed towards someone more vulnerable, carries immense spiritual meaning. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was firm when necessary, but he was never controlling in his voice or manner. Even in moments of tension, his language remained compassionate and his presence was tender. When he corrected or calmed a situation, he did so not through force, but through dignity and mercy. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 53: 

‘And inform My servants that they should speak in only the  politest manner (when they speak to the extremists in disbelief); indeed, Satan is (always ready for) infusing anarchy between them…. ‘

This verse is a direct reminder that our words, and the way we say them, can either build harmony or fracture it. Discord in a relationship often begins not with an action, but with a tone. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 3689, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Indeed, Allah is gentle and loves gentleness in all matters. ‘

This gentleness is not a weakness; it is a sign of deliberate emotional control, even when a firm correction is required. It is the prophetic way of honouring both justice and kindness simultaneously. So yes, your child’s controlling tone is a reflection of what they have learned, but it is also an invitation for your own growth. By softening your own voice in stressful moments and consciously involving your child in that positive shift, you do more than just correct a habit. You model a form of leadership that is rooted in prophetic gentleness, one that earns respect not through control, but through genuine compassion.