How to Shift From ‘Helping Out’ to Shared Responsibility 

Parenting Perspective 

From Occasional Assistance to Consistent Responsibility 

It can feel very disheartening when a father views his role in parenting as ‘helping out’ rather than as shared responsibility. Language matters, because ‘helping’ suggests that the main work belongs to you, while he steps in only when invited. For healthier teamwork, the mindset shift has to move from occasional assistance to consistent responsibility. 

Communicate Openly, Without Blame 

The first step is to communicate openly about this. Choose a calm moment and explain to your husband that when he says he is ‘helping’, it feels as if the children are only your responsibility. Share that you want your children to see both parents as equally committed in order to raise them with fairness and balance. Avoid blaming and instead frame it as something you want to model positively for the children. 

Agree on Tasks He Can Own 

Practical steps can also support the change. Agree on specific, regular tasks that are his to own without waiting to be asked. For example, he might take charge of bedtime routines, weekend outings, or school-related duties. This consistency shows both you and the children that his role is not conditional, but essential. It also reduces the mental load on you, because you no longer need to repeatedly delegate. 

Affirm His Contributions 

It may also help to gently affirm his contributions. When he follows through, acknowledge it with appreciation. This does not mean excusing imbalance, but positive reinforcement often encourages a parent to lean into responsibility more willingly. Over time, the combination of clear communication, agreed responsibilities, and mutual respect can shift the mindset from ‘helping’ to genuine partnership in parenting. 

Spiritual Insight 

Both Parents Are Shepherds 

Islamically, parenting is not the task of one parent while the other merely assists. Both father and mother are shepherds, entrusted with the wellbeing of their family. 

Both Parents Carry Responsibility for Nurturing 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Tahreem (66), Verse 6: 

‘O you who are believers, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire (of Jahannam) whose fuel is people and stones...’  

This Verse makes it clear that both parents carry responsibility for safeguarding and nurturing their children in faith and practice. It is not limited to the mother’s effort; the father too is accountable before Allah for how he raises his children. 

The Father’s Role Is Not Optional 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawud, Book 20, Hadith 1, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler is a shepherd over his people and is responsible for them. A man is a shepherd over the members of his household and is responsible for them. A woman is a shepherd over the house of her husband and children and is responsible for them.’  

This Hadith establishes that the father’s role is not optional. He is a shepherd for his family, just as the mother is in her domain. By reminding your husband of this shared duty in a respectful way, you are not criticising him but inviting him to fulfil his trust before Allah. 

By combining clear conversations, practical division of responsibility, and grounding your home in the prophetic model of shared accountability, you can gradually change the perception from ‘helping out’ to truly ‘parenting together’. This gives your children the gift of witnessing fairness and unity between their parents.