Parenting Perspective 

When a child misbehaves, it can be tempting to resort to punishment as a quick solution. However, this approach often fails to help the child grow or learn from the situation. A more effective method is to identify whether the behaviour stems from a missing skill. For example, a frequently disorganised child may not be defiant but may simply lack organisational skills. Recognising this root cause is the first step in replacing punishment with proactive teaching. 

Teaching Through Positive Reinforcement 

Once you identify the skill gap, focus on teaching the necessary skill through positive reinforcement. If a child struggles with anger, instead of punishing an outburst, teach them calming techniques like deep breathing or counting. Turn the moment into a learning opportunity by guiding them through these strategies and praising their effort. You could say, ‘I see you are feeling upset. Let us take a deep breath together and talk about it’. This approach empowers your child to learn and practise new coping skills, reducing the need for punishment. 

Encouraging Emotional Intelligence and Reflection 

Teaching a missing skill also involves fostering emotional intelligence. When a child misbehaves, encourage them to reflect on their feelings and identify the emotion that caused the action. Guide them toward finding more appropriate ways to express themselves. For instance, you might say, ‘It seems you are frustrated because you could not finish your homework. Let us talk about how we can approach it differently next time’. This not only teaches a valuable skill but also promotes a sense of personal accountability. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places a strong emphasis on teaching and guidance over punishment. We are encouraged to be mentors to our children, teaching them righteousness and wisdom. By shifting our focus from punishment to teaching, we embody the core Islamic value of nurturing and guiding others towards what is best. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Tawbah (9), Verses 122: 

‘It is not deemed appropriate that the believers should all collectively go forth (in battle); so, if there is a group that does not go forth from amongst them, then that group should (dedicate themselves to trying to) obtain an understanding of the pathways of life (compliant with existential nature as created by Allah Almighty), so that they may serve to caution those people that shall return to them…’ 

This verse highlights the great value placed on seeking understanding and teaching others. As parents, it is through understanding the root causes of our children’s behaviour and teaching them the necessary skills that we can help them develop in a way that aligns with Islamic principles. We are called to guide and instruct, not merely punish, so they may grow into better individuals. 

The Example of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was known for his exemplary patience and guidance when teaching others. He did not punish his companions for mistakes but instead offered wisdom and kindness, showing them the right way with compassion. 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 353, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever is not merciful to our young ones, and does not acknowledge the right of our old ones, is not one of us.’ 

This hadith underscores the importance of showing mercy and guidance, especially towards children. By choosing to teach instead of punishing, we create an environment of compassion and understanding. This allows our children to grow and learn, following the merciful example the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ set for his community.