How to Parent When Your Child Triggers Your Past 

Parenting Perspective 

Create Space Between Your Feelings and Your Response 

It is natural that certain behaviours from your child may bring back difficult memories from your own past. What matters most is that you recognise this link, because awareness gives you the opportunity to respond differently rather than repeat patterns. A parent does not need to erase their own feelings, but they do need to create space between those feelings and their responses. 

Notice Your Physical Signs and Pause 

One useful step is to notice the physical signs of these emotions before they spill over. For example, a racing heart, clenched jaw, or sudden tension may be your body’s way of signaling old pain. When you feel this, pause for a short grounding practice such as breathing deeply, saying a quiet Dhikr, or stepping aside briefly before responding to your child. This creates a small but powerful gap between memory and action. 

Reframe Your Child’s Behaviour as Their Story, Not Yours 

It also helps to reframe your child’s behaviour as theirs, not yours. If your son is being defiant or emotional, it is not a replay of your past but a present moment where he is learning how to cope. By reminding yourself, “This is my child’s story, not mine,” you protect him from carrying the weight of your earlier experiences. 

Repair When Your Emotions Leak 

Repairing moments where your emotions do leak into your response is also important. If you have been harsher than you intended, acknowledging it gently can prevent your child from internalising blame. This not only preserves trust but also models honesty and humility. 

Build Different Memories for Your Child 

Finally, be intentional about building different memories for your child. If your childhood lacked safety or gentleness, then guiding your child with calm firmness and affection allows you to heal some of your own pain while giving him something better. Each patient response becomes both a gift to your child and a form of growth for yourself. 

Spiritual Insight 

With Hardship Comes Ease 

Islam teaches us that past hardship does not define us, and that we can choose mercy and patience in every moment.  

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Inshirah (94), Verses 5–6: 

‘Thus with (every) hardship there is facilitation (from Allah Almighty). Indeed, with (every) hardship there is facilitation (from Allah Almighty).’  

This repetition assures us that even when old pain resurfaces, Allah places new opportunities for growth and comfort alongside it. For a parent, every testing moment is a chance to act differently and to build a gentler legacy for their child. 

True Strength Lies in Mastering Your Emotions 

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Book 78, Hadith 141, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong man is not the one who overcomes others by his strength, but the strong man is the one who controls himself while in anger.’ 

This hadith reminds us that true strength lies in mastering our own emotions, particularly when guiding our children. 

By pausing, grounding yourself, and choosing responses that are measured rather than reactions shaped by the past, you transform old wounds into wisdom. In doing so, you protect your child’s innocence while finding healing for yourself, and you show that love and patience can break cycles of pain.