How to Find Balance When You Are Afraid of Becoming Your Own Parent 

Parenting Perspective 

What you are experiencing is a deeply human reaction to pain that has not fully left your system. When a parent carries unresolved memories of being mistreated, neglected, or emotionally starved, they often parent in extremes, either by rigidly avoiding that same harm or by overcompensating to escape any resemblance of it. 

This overcorrection is not a flaw. It is your nervous system trying to protect your child from what you once endured. But the very swing between being too soft or too harsh can confuse your child and disconnect you from the kind of parent you genuinely want to be. 

Balance Begins with Awareness 

Balance begins with awareness, and you already have that. The next step is intentional slowing. Before reacting, ask yourself: ‘Am I responding to my child, or to my past?’ Then re-centre by naming what your child needs in that moment, comfort, structure, redirection, or patience. This split-second check-in can anchor you in the present and prevent the emotional pendulum from swinging too wide. 

Clarify Your Values 

It is also helpful to clarify your values as a parent. If your goal is to raise a child who feels safe and seen, you will need to find discipline that respects dignity, and gentleness that does not abandon boundaries. No parent gets this balance right all the time. But a parent who repairs when they overstep and holds steady when it matters is building something their child will remember with trust, not fear. 

Spiritual Insight 

Balance is a principle rooted in our Deen. The noble Quran emphasises the importance of moderation and uprightness in all affairs. 

A Reminder That Moderation is Sacred 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), verse 143: 

‘And thus We (Allah Almighty) have designated you (O Muslims) as a community of (rational and logical) balance; so that you may become corroborators (over the actions) of mankind, and the Prophets can become corroborators over you…’ 

This verse defines the Muslim Ummah through the quality of balance (Wasatiyyah), affirming that a path of moderation is not only wise, but also sacred. 

The Prophetic Model: Consistency, Not Intensity 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most beloved deeds to Allah are those that are consistent, even if they are small.‘

[Sunan Ibn Majah, 37:138] 

This Hadith reminds a parent that consistency, not intensity, is the foundation of meaningful growth, both in worship and in parenting. 

You are not here to perform perfection or erase your past. You are here to parent from presence, with intention and faith. Each time you choose balance, even imperfectly, you are reshaping what legacy feels like, and that, too, is an act of worship.