How to Balance Bonding When Your Older Child Helps Out 

Parenting Perspective 

They Need to Be Seen as Your Child, Not Just a Helper 

It is very common for older children to feel both proud of helping with younger siblings and at the same time resentful if it seems that their role is mostly responsibility while the younger ones receive the warmth and play. This does not mean your older child is ungrateful; it means they are seeking reassurance that they are still seen as your child first, not just as a helper. 

Acknowledge Their Effort and Schedule One-on-One Time 

A helpful step is to acknowledge their effort openly. When you thank your older child for helping, do not stop at appreciation but also make space for their need to just ‘be a child.’ Schedule moments, even short ones, where you focus on your older child without involving the younger siblings. This could be a private walk, talking at bedtime, or a game together. These small but regular moments can reassure them that your bond is not being replaced by younger children’s demands. 

Ensure Responsibilities Are Balanced 

You may also need to review the responsibilities you provide. Helping with siblings should not become a replacement for your parental role. Assign tasks that are appropriate and balanced but avoid giving so much responsibility that it takes away from their own time to rest, play, or connect with you. When children feel that their contribution is recognised and their needs are also prioritised, they are more likely to accept these roles with a sense of pride rather than resentment. 

Listen to Their Concerns Calmly 

By listening to their concerns calmly and showing them through consistent action that they are not overlooked, you protect their emotional security and strengthen their trust in you. 

Spiritual Insight 

Fear Allah and Be Just With Your Children 

Islam emphasises justice and fairness within the family.  

It is recorded in Sahih Al Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’  

Justice here extends to love, attention, and emotional care, not only material matters. Each child has a right to feel equally valued in the eyes of their parents. 

Responsibility Should Not Overshadow Connection 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Anbiyaa (21), Verse 35: 

‘…And We (Allah Almighty) shall test you, with the tribulations of going through the bad and the good times; and to Us you shall return.’  

Parenting is one of those tests, requiring balance between duties and compassion. Your older child is also being tested with responsibility, but it is your role to ensure this test does not become a burden that overshadows their need for love and connection. 

By consciously separating time for bonding and ensuring that responsibilities remain fair, you embody the prophetic principle of justice within the home. This helps your older child to see that while they are entrusted with certain roles, they are never forgotten in your affection, and your bond with them remains strong and secure.