How do I teach “pause and check: was that funny to them too?” 

Parenting Perspective 

Children often test out their sense of humour without fully understanding its potential impact on others. They may make a joke that seems hilarious to them but which leaves the other person feeling hurt or silenced. If this is left unchecked, it can turn their humour into a tool for exclusion or mockery. The skill you want to teach them is empathy-in-action: the ability to pause after making a joke to check if it landed well for the listener. This not only protects their relationships but also trains them to be more aware of other people’s feelings, which is a core life skill. 

Explain Why Humour Must Be Inclusive 

You can start by teaching your child that real humour is something that brings people together. You could say, “A good joke is one that makes everyone laugh, not just you. If the other person looks upset, then it was not a funny joke; it was a hurtful one.” This helps them to see that laughter should always be a shared experience. 

Teach the “Pause and Check” Rule 

Give your child a simple habit to practise. After they have made a joke, they should pause for a moment and look at the other person’s face. If the other child is laughing, then the joke was fun. If they are quiet, frowning, or looking down, then the joke has missed its mark. You can also encourage them to ask, “Was that funny for you, too?” This simple question helps to turn their humour into a two-way exchange, instead of a self-centred act. 

Offer Scripts for Repairing a Hurt 

Children need to have concrete language for what to do when a joke does not land well. You can provide them with short and simple phrases to use, such as: 

• ‘I am sorry, that did not sound as funny as I thought it would.’ 

• ‘I did not mean to hurt your feelings. Can I please try that again?’ 

• ‘Oops, I guess that was not a very good one.’ 

These scripts help to teach them humility and allow them to repair the connection quickly, instead of defending the joke by saying something like, ‘You are just being too sensitive.’ 

Practise in Safe Scenarios 

You can role-play silly jokes with your child and then pause to check each other’s reactions. For example, you can pretend that one sibling tells a joke and the other looks down. You can then pause and say, “Hmm, I wonder, was that funny for you, too?” Praising their effort when they use the phrase helps to reinforce the idea that checking is a part of respectful humour. 

Intervene in Real Moments Without Shaming 

When you hear a joke that lands poorly, you can step in gently by saying, “Let us pause and check. Did that sound funny to your sibling, too?” This shifts the focus of the moment to empathy, instead of just scolding them. Over time, this gentle reminder will become internalised, and your children will begin to do it on their own. 

Reinforce Success with Specific Praise 

When your child does manage to check in with another person or to repair a situation, make sure to affirm their action. For example, “I really liked how you paused to see if your sister thought that was funny, too. That showed a great deal of maturity and kindness.” 

A Mini-Dialogue Example 

Child A: ‘You sing really nicely… for a croaky frog!’ 

Child B: (face falls) 

Parent: ‘Let us pause and check. Was that funny for her, too?’ 

Child A: (notices their sibling’s face) ‘I am sorry, I did not mean to hurt your feelings. Can I try again? Your singing was very loud and strong, and that was fun to hear.’ 

Child B: (smiles) 

Parent: ‘That is much better. That helped her to feel included instead of embarrassed.’ 

This small but powerful practice teaches children that empathy is more important than simply trying to get a laugh. In short, teaching them to “pause and check” is about slowing down their humour so that it strengthens their bonds instead of breaking them. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam acknowledges that laughter is a natural part of a balanced life, but it firmly prohibits us from hurting other people in the process. 

Humour Should Never Cross Into Harm 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 11: 

‘Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them…and do not insult each other; and do not call each other by (offensive) nicknames…’ 

This verse makes it clear that mockery, whether it is delivered in our normal words or in our humour, has no place in a believer’s character. Teaching our children to pause and check is a practical way of helping them to live by this verse in their daily lives, ensuring that their jokes never turn into a form of ridicule. 

The Prophet’s Balance of Joy and Respect 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 252, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Do not laugh too much, for laughing too much deadens the heart.’ 

This Hadith is a reminder that while laughter has its place, it must always remain thoughtful and conscious. It should never come at the expense of another person’s dignity or cause us to become spiritually heedless. Parents can explain to their children, “The Prophet ﷺ made the people around him smile, but he never did it by putting them down. That is the kind of beautiful humour that we should try to follow.” 

By combining the ‘pause-and-check’ skill with these beautiful spiritual insights, you can help your children to see that their sense of humour is a gift that must be used responsibly. They will learn from your example that Allah loves words that protect, not words that hurt, and that their laughter should be a means of lifting people’s hearts, not deadening them.