How do I teach a child to say “I would like to choose this time” without guilt-tripping? 

Parenting Perspective 

Many children struggle to express what they want without either feeling guilty or sounding demanding. When they finally decide to speak up, their request, “But I never get to choose!”, often comes out wrapped in frustration or comparison. Teaching your child to say, “I would like to choose this time,” calmly and without guilt-tripping others helps to build their emotional maturity and sense of fairness. It helps them to learn that their preferences matter, but so do the feelings of others. This is the foundation of respectful assertiveness. 

Explaining That Wanting a Turn Is Normal 

You can start by affirming that it is okay for them to want to have a turn to choose sometimes. You might say, ‘It is fine to want a turn; it does not make you selfish. It just means you want to share the choices fairly.’ Children can sometimes silence their own wishes out of a sense of guilt. Your reassurance can help them to see that expressing a preference can be a kind act, not a controlling one. 

Teaching the Difference Between a Request and a Complaint 

Show your child how their choice of words can change everything in an interaction. A complaint, like ‘You always get to pick!’, makes other people feel defensive. In contrast, a polite request, such as ‘I would like to choose this time, please,’ invites cooperation. This helps them to choose words that bring about a sense of fairness instead of tension. 

Practising Polite and Positive Phrases 

Help your child to memorise a few simple and calm phrases that they can use in the moment. 

• ‘Could I please choose this time?’ 

• ‘I would love to pick the game today; you can choose next time.’ 

• A particularly good phrase is simply: ‘I would like to choose this time, please.’ 

Role-playing these sentences with warmth and humour can help them to feel more natural. 

Guiding Their Tone and Expression 

A child’s tone of voice can change the entire message of their words. You can teach them that a polite confidence, without any whining, sarcasm, or pleading, is what earns respect from others. You might say, ‘Try to say it with a calm smile. You are not fighting for a turn; you are just making a suggestion.’ 

Highlighting Fairness as a Shared Goal 

Remind your child that true fairness means that everyone gets a turn, not just them. You can explain, ‘If you let others choose sometimes, they will be happy to let you choose, too. Being fair is what keeps friendships strong.’ This helps to turn their request into an act of teamwork, not a competition. 

Modelling the Language Yourself 

Children learn the most from how you speak and act in your own life. Let them hear you using gentle assertiveness at home. For example, ‘I would like to choose what we have for dinner tonight; maybe next time you can pick.’ Hearing you express a preference in a kind way shows them how to do the same without guilt or resentment. 

Praising Thoughtful Self-Expression 

When you notice your child asking politely for a turn to choose, be sure to celebrate their effort. You could say, ‘You said what you wanted so clearly and kindly just then. That is a sign of real confidence.’ This positive reinforcement teaches them that calm honesty is a virtue, not a risk. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that fairness (‘adl) and good manners (adab) should guide all of our interactions, even the small decisions we make within our families. The act of asking for something with humility is a reflection of both gratitude and respect. When your child learns to say, “I would like to choose this time,” in a kind way, they are practising the prophetic balance of self-respect and consideration for others. 

The Quranic Wisdom of Balanced Speech 

The Quran reminds us that our words should always aim for goodness and should never be used to create guilt or pressure. When we choose our words with care, we invite fairness instead of friction. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verses 53: 

‘And inform My servants that they should speak in only the politest manner (when they speak to the extremists in disbelief); indeed, Satan is (always ready for) infusing anarchy between them, as indeed, Satan is the most visible enemy for mankind.’ 

When your child asks for their turn with grace, they are living the spirit of this verse. 

The Prophetic Example of Justice and Courtesy 

The teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ highlight that true goodness lies in cooperation and in being of benefit to others. When your child makes a request kindly, while at the same time offering the other person their turn next, they are acting in a beneficial way. 

It is recorded in Sunan Nisai, Hadith 5379, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most beloved of people to Allah is the most beneficial of them’ 

This hadith teaches us to seek harmony through fairness and thoughtfulness. 

When your child learns to say, “I would like to choose this time, please,” they are discovering that standing up for themselves does not have to mean stepping on others. They are learning that kindness and confidence can live in the very same sentence. 

Each polite request becomes a small act of fairness, an exchange of respect that helps to strengthen their bonds with family and friends. Over time, they will come to realise that good manners do not silence their wishes; they elevate them. 

In those gentle and honest words, your child comes to reflect the beautiful balance to which Islam calls us: to express the truth with humility, to seek fairness with patience, and to speak only what is best, all for the sake of Allah Almighty.