How do I stop cycles where harsh punishments push my child further away? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a parent relies on harsh punishments, it can create a cycle that unintentionally pushes the child further away, deepening emotional distance and fostering resentment. Children develop their sense of self-worth through the way they are treated. While severe punishment may temporarily stop unwanted behaviour, over time it can result in feelings of fear or anger, diminishing the child’s trust in the parent.¹ This creates a disconnect, where the child feels they must choose between self-preservation and connection, and may ultimately withdraw. 

To break this cycle, parents must first acknowledge the potential underlying causes of their own reactions. Harsh punishments often stem from a place of frustration or helplessness. The key is to reframe discipline, shifting from punitive measures to constructive guidance. Instead of focusing on punishment, a parent can ask, ‘What lesson do I want my child to learn from this situation?’ Approaching the situation with understanding and calmness can de-escalate tension, making the child feel seen and heard. Effective discipline is not about control, but about nurturing growth and self-reflection. 

Micro-Actions to Break the Cycle 

• Pause before reacting: When misbehaviour occurs, take a moment to breathe. This brief pause can reset your emotional state and prevent rash decisions driven by frustration.² 

• Use restorative conversations: Instead of focusing on punishment, engage your child in a conversation about their behaviour and how they can make amends. For example: ‘I understand you made a mistake. Let us talk about how we can handle this differently next time.’ 

• Model empathy: Show your child that they are still loved and valued, even when they make mistakes. Reassure them that their actions do not define who they are as a person. 

By making these shifts, you begin to replace resentment with understanding. This not only helps break the cycle of harsh discipline but also fosters a relationship built on trust, respect, and emotional connection. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, mercy and justice are deeply intertwined, and this balance is essential in parenting.³ The example of the holy Prophet Muhammad ⁴ﷺ shows us that the goal of discipline is not to create fear, but to guide with love and understanding.⁵ Parents are reminded to be patient, gentle, and forgiving in their approach, as this leads to a healthier relationship with their children. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verses 134: 

‘Those (the believers are the ones) that spend (in the way of Allah Almighty) in times of abundance and hardship; they suppress their anger; and are forgiving to people; and Allah (Almighty) loves those who are benevolent.’ 

This verse highlights the virtues of forgiveness and self-control, showing that true strength lies in responding with kindness. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1162, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The best of you are those who are the best to their women (and children), and I am the best among you to my women.’ 

This hadith emphasises the importance of gentleness and patience when addressing the behaviour of those under your care. Rather than reacting harshly, the Prophet Muhammad ⁶ﷺ models how to discipline with compassion, ensuring the relationship remains strong and nurturing.⁷ By choosing to break the cycle of harsh punishment, parents can cultivate an atmosphere where their child feels understood and respected, reflecting the kindness and mercy that Allah Almighty instructs us to show to one another.