Parenting Perspective 

When a child is caught in a friendship group where toxic competition thrives, it can be damaging to their self-esteem and emotional wellbeing. Guiding them requires a careful balance of validating their feelings, teaching practical skills, and fostering a strong inner compass. 

Name the Pattern and Validate Their Feelings 

Begin by observing the dynamic without placing blame. You could say, ‘It seems like the group is constantly comparing marks, clothes, and followers. That must feel very tense’. Acknowledge the difficult position your child is in; they may fear losing friends if they disengage but feel inadequate if they participate. Reassure them that opting out of unhealthy habits is not the same as opting out of friendship. It is about choosing a healthier way to be a friend. 

Distinguish Healthy Striving from Toxic Rivalry 

Teach your child to recognise the difference between positive and negative competition. Healthy striving encourages friends to bring out the best in each other. In contrast, toxic rivalry operates on the belief that ‘I only win if you feel small’. Give them concrete signs of toxicity to watch for, such as constant ranking, withholding praise, teasing others about their successes, and provoking arguments in group chats. Agree on a family rule they can remember: seek circles that celebrate effort, not just status. 

Set Practical Boundaries to Reduce Tension 

Help your child establish kind but firm boundaries to protect their peace. This can be done by: 

• Changing the subject when conversations turn to scores and rankings. 

• Sharing personal achievements briefly and with humility. 

• Declining to participate in comparison games by saying, ‘I am not doing top ten lists today’. 

• Stepping away from argumentative group chats by muting them or taking a timed break. 

Practise Scripts for Real-Life Moments 

Role-play short, neutral phrases so they feel natural for your child to use in the moment. 

• ‘Good effort, everyone. I am focusing on my next step’. 

• ‘I am happy for you, but I am staying out of comparisons’. 

• ‘Let us talk about practice ideas instead of rankings’. 

• ‘I try to keep my chat kind, so I am leaving this thread now’. 

Pair these words with calm body language. A brief, neutral, and firm response often prevents further provocation. 

Replace Rivalry with Shared Growth 

Suggest activities that preserve friendships while removing the competitive element. This could be a weekly study circle, a running club, or a simple service project. Encourage your child to offer help to a peer who is struggling. Teaching a skill, revising together, or sharing notes can transform competitive energy into collaboration and empathy. 

Curate Their Digital Environment 

Toxic competition is often amplified online. Support your child in unfollowing accounts that flaunt status and instead following pages dedicated to skills, learning, and service. Agree on small windows for checking social media and a weekly ‘digital reset’ where phones are put away. 

Build a Strong Inner Compass 

Help your child develop a personal mantra, such as, ‘Good for them. Now, back to my own path’. Pair this with a focus on their own micro-plan: one clear goal, one next action, and one time to check their progress. Keeping a ‘Wins and Wisdom’ journal where they record one effort and one lesson daily can provide evidence of their own growth and reduce the pull of comparison. 

Spiritual Insight 

Moments of rivalry are tests of our intention. Islam directs us towards cooperation, sincerity, and feeling joy for the successes of others without envy. You can teach your child to anchor their friendships in service and sincerity rather than in display and dominance. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Maaidah (5), Verse 2: 

‘…And participate with each other to promote righteousness and piety, and do not collaborate in the committal of any sin or moral transgression…’ 

Gently explain that friendship is a space in which to practise this verse. We should lean towards what cultivates goodness and step back from habits that harm hearts. Encourage your child to ask before speaking or posting, ‘Does this increase kindness, or does it risk putting someone down?’ Cooperation in what is beneficial turns friends into allies on the straight path. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 13, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘None of you will believe until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.’ 

Encourage your child to adopt this as a guiding principle. Loving for one another means celebrating honest effort, sharing opportunities, and refusing to make jokes that belittle others. When a friend succeeds, teach your child to say, ‘MashaAllah, may Allah increase you in it,’ and then to return to their own path with gratitude. End each evening with a short dua: ‘O Allah, purify my intention, make me rejoice at the good of others, and grant me beneficial companionship’. Over time, these faithful habits can turn friendships from arenas of rivalry into gardens of mutual growth.