How do I rebuild safety if they hit me and now feel scared of my reaction? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child hits a parent, it can be a shocking and painful experience, not only physically, but also emotionally. When that moment passes and your child suddenly looks frightened of you, another layer of emotion unfolds. They have realised they have crossed a line and may fear they have broken your love. The path forward lies not in punishment, but in repairing the sense of safety, teaching them that your love and your limits can exist together. 

Understanding What Is Really Happening 

When your child lashes out, it is rarely a calculated act of defiance. It is the brain’s ‘fight’ response—a surge of emotion that is too strong for their young system to manage. Once that storm passes, children often feel frightened, guilty, and unsure if you still love them. Your calm, measured response in that moment will either reinforce their sense of safety or deepen their shame. The goal is not to forget the behaviour, but to guide them towards accountability within connection. 

Rebuilding Safety and Trust 

The first and most important step is to regulate yourself before you speak. Take a slow breath and ground yourself. Your calm is their cue that the danger has passed. When the tension begins to ease, you can gently move closer and say, ‘That was not okay, and I will not let you hit me. But I still love you. We are both safe now.’ These words help to restore a sense of security while still maintaining the boundary. 

It is helpful to name the behaviour, not the child. Avoid using labels like ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’. Instead, you can separate their identity from their action: ‘You became so angry that you hit me. That was hurtful. Next time, we will find another way for you to show your anger.’ This approach keeps the responsibility intact but removes the element of shame. 

After a conflict, it is crucial to repair the relationship with connection. This is not only verbal, but relational. Spend some quiet time together soon after the incident; you could read a book, play a game, or cook side by side. This quiet connection communicates forgiveness far more deeply than words alone. Once all the emotions have settled, you can reflect on what happened: ‘You hit me earlier, and I was hurt. But we talked about it and made it right. Next time, you can use your words, and I will always be here to help you.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

When you show your child that you can stay present with them even after being hurt, you are teaching them both accountability and forgiveness. Your steadiness becomes a living example of Allah’s mercy firm in justice, yet endless in compassion. 

Restoring Peace After Wrongdoing 

The Quran reminds us that forgiveness and reconciliation are acts of strength, not of weakness.¹ 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 40: 

‘And the outcome (of defending) against an evil, (could be the formation) of an evil similar to it; so therefore, whoever offers amnesty and reconciliation, then his reward shall be with Allah (Almighty); indeed, He (Allah Almighty) does not like the transgressors.’ 

When you respond to your child’s mistake with calm mercy instead of shame, you are reflecting the divine principle of rahmah mercy that restores rather than destroys. 

The Prophet’s ﷺModel of Calm Correction 

The teachings of our Prophet ﷺ offer a model of self-regulation. 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4782, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘When one of you becomes angry, let him sit down; if the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise, let him lie down.’ 

This hadith shows the wisdom of choosing stillness over reaction. It is a form of prophetic wisdom in action, modelling how faith can turn anger into calm through physical restraint and a mindful pause. In those quiet moments after a conflict, when you speak softly and hold your child close, you are not just restoring calm; you are teaching them about faith. You are showing them that true safety comes not from fear, but from a love that is anchored in mercy, patience, and grace.