How do I rebuild authority if my child sees me fail to model what I expect from them? 

Parenting Perspective 

It can be a deeply challenging moment when you fail to model the very behaviour you expect from your child. While this may feel like a blow to your authority, it is in fact an opportunity to rebuild it on a foundation stronger than perfection: honesty, humility, and active change. Children are perceptive; they notice inconsistencies between what you say and what you do. Addressing these inconsistencies directly does not have to erode your authority. Instead, it can forge a more resilient and respectful relationship. 

Acknowledge and Take Responsibility 

The first and most crucial step in rebuilding authority is to address your shortcomings with humility. This demonstrates to your child that making mistakes is human, but taking responsibility for them is a sign of true character. 

• Admit Your Mistakes: When you recognise you have failed to practise what you preach, calmly and openly acknowledge it. For example, you might say, ‘I realise I did not follow through on my promise, and I am sorry for that.’ 

• Apologise Sincerely: A genuine apology is a powerful tool for building trust. It shows your child that you are accountable for your actions and committed to improving. You could say, ‘I did not handle that situation well, and I am going to work on doing better.’ 

Model Change and Consistency 

True authority is rebuilt through action, not just words. Your child needs to see a consistent and sincere effort to change. 

• Demonstrate Your Efforts: If you struggle with impatience or fail to keep promises, make a conscious and visible effort to change. Your actions are the most convincing evidence of your commitment, and your child will notice the changes you make. 

• Stay Consistent: Change is a process, not a single event. By consistently modelling the behaviour you want to see, you demonstrate that growth is an ongoing journey. This reinforces your authority as a guide who is also actively evolving. 

Foster a Growth-Oriented Relationship 

Rebuilding authority is not about re-establishing control, but about cultivating an environment where accountability and growth are shared values. 

• Involve Your Child in the Process: To empower your child and foster a sense of teamwork, involve them in setting shared goals for change. Discuss how you can both work on improving certain behaviours together. This transforms the dynamic from one of command to one of collaboration. 

• Encourage Positive Behaviours: When your child makes positive changes, offer specific praise. Reinforcing their efforts helps you both stay focused on growth and creates a healthier, more respectful family dynamic. 

By acknowledging your mistakes and consistently modelling positive change, you rebuild authority in a way that strengthens your relationship, teaching your child invaluable lessons in accountability and humility. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that true authority and respect are earned not through infallibility, but through a commitment to justice, reconciliation, and excellent character. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 40: 

‘ And the outcome (of defending) against an evil, (could be the formation) of an evil similar to it; so therefore, whoever offers amnesty and reconciliation, then his reward shall be with Allah (Almighty)…’ 

This verse reminds us that when we err, our response is what matters. By seeking reconciliation through a sincere apology and a commitment to improve, we are choosing a path that Allah rewards, and in doing so, we repair the harm done to our relationships. 

The ultimate measure of a person is their character. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6029, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The best of you are those who are best in character.’ 

This hadith emphasises that striving to improve our character is central to our faith. When we model this struggle for our children admitting faults and working to be better we are not showing weakness. We are demonstrating the very essence of what it means to be among “the best of you,” and that is the most authentic source of authority a parent can have.