How do I notice signs my child is upset when they say they are fine? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child insists they are ‘fine’, yet your intuition tells you otherwise, it can be a source of unease and uncertainty. Children may hide their feelings for many reasons: they might fear disappointing their parents, worry about being judged, or simply lack the vocabulary to express their inner turmoil. Recognising the unspoken language of a child’s emotions requires deep attention, empathy, and patience. 

Reading Between the Lines 

Children often communicate distress through subtle behavioural cues rather than direct statements. It is important to notice shifts in their usual tone, energy levels, or daily habits. For instance, a typically chatty child who becomes quiet, or one who starts avoiding family activities, may be signalling an emotional difficulty. Although their words may say ‘I am fine’, their actions could suggest otherwise. Look for: 

• Changes in appetite or sleep: This can manifest as eating too little or too much, or experiencing disturbed sleep. 

• Withdrawal from usual activities: A sudden loss of interest in hobbies, friends, or playtime can be a sign of inner struggle. 

• Irritability or defiance: Outbursts of frustration can often be a mask for underlying sadness or anxiety. 

• Physical complaints: Unexplained headaches or stomach aches can be physical manifestations of emotional distress. 

Creating a Safe Emotional Space 

A child will only feel comfortable opening up when they feel emotionally secure. Rather than pressing them for an answer, demonstrate a steady and accepting presence. A gentle invitation can be far more effective: 

‘I can see something is on your mind. You do not have to talk now, but I am here whenever you are ready.’ 

This approach communicates unconditional care without applying pressure. Consistent calmness and non-judgemental responses will teach your child over time that expressing difficult feelings is safe and will not be met with anger or disappointment. 

Listening Beyond Words 

Effective listening involves observing how a child speaks as much as what they say. Is their voice quieter than usual? Do they avoid making eye contact? Simply reflecting their emotions can help them feel seen and understood: 

‘It sounds like today was heavy for you,’ or ‘I notice you seem tired. Would you like some quiet time together?’ 

This gentle validation helps children to recognise and name their own feelings, which is a fundamental skill for developing lifelong emotional intelligence. 

When Your Child Resists 

If a child responds with irritation or withdrawal when you ask what is wrong, it is best to step back kindly. Instead of direct questioning, connect through shared activities. You could go for a walk, bake something, or draw side by side. Emotional barriers often come down during relaxed, non-verbal moments of connection. The goal is to build a foundation of trust through consistent emotional availability, not constant interrogation. The message you send is simple yet powerful: ‘Your feelings are safe with me.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

When parents strive to understand what is in their child’s heart, they reflect a quality deeply cherished by Allah Almighty: mercy and attentiveness. Islam encourages us to nurture not only our children’s behaviour but also their inner peace. 

Compassion as a Divine Principle 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 24: 

‘And spread over them (your) auspices with humility and mercy; (and plead for them and) say: “O my Sustainer, have mercy (and forgiveness) on both of them, because they have nurtured me when I was a child”.’ 

This verse reminds us that mercy is the bedrock of family life. Just as we were once vulnerable and reliant on the patience of our own parents, we are now entrusted to show that same tenderness. When a child is struggling silently, a parent’s humility, which is their willingness to pause, notice, and care, becomes a profound act of worship. 

The Prophetic Example of Empathy 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 355, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young and honour to our elders.’ 

This teaching highlights that compassion is not merely a suggestion but is central to the identity of a believer. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was deeply attuned to the feelings of children. His personal comfort to a young boy grieving the loss of a pet bird demonstrates that offering emotional presence has immense spiritual worth. By recognising when a child’s heart is heavy, even when their words deny it, a parent is fulfilling this prophetic practice of mercy, which nurtures both the child’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing. 

A parent’s intuition is a powerful gift, often a gentle whisper from Allah Almighty guiding you to look closer. When your heart senses your child’s unease, trust that feeling as a divine prompt to pay attention. True awareness begins not with interrogation but with compassion: noticing, pausing, and gently making space for their truth to emerge. 

By creating a home where emotions can be expressed without fear, you teach your child that love and honesty can coexist. Even when they find it difficult to speak, your patience becomes the language of safety they understand best. In time, your child will learn that being ‘fine’ does not mean they must be silent. Through your steadfast care, they will discover that sharing their true feelings fosters closeness, not conflict. This emotional understanding, grounded in the mercy you have shown, will become a guiding light in their relationships, their faith, and their own identity.