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 How do I help my child repair the emotional mess after a big outburst, without making them feel ashamed or bad?

Parenting Perspective

Following a tantrum, children frequently experience feelings of confusion, guilt, or uncertainty. Restoring the emotional bond and behaviour should prioritise creating a sense of safety rather than promoting feelings of shame. Instead of focussing on the mistakes, assist the child in identifying what occurred and what actions can be taken in the future. Providing options like, ‘Would you like to express how you felt’ or ‘Should we work on making things better by apologising or cleaning up?’ directs attention towards making amends. This also fosters responsibility in a manner suitable for their age. Refrain from using phrases such as, ‘You were so bad,’ and opt for, ‘That was a challenging moment, but we can gain insights from it.’ When parents make repair a regular part of life, they help their children understand that making mistakes is a natural part of growing up. This also helps them learn to take responsibility without developing feelings of worthlessness

Spiritual Insight

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zumar (39), Verse 53: ‘O my servants, those of you who have transgressed against yourselves (by committing sin); do not lose hope in the mercy of Allah (Almighty); indeed, Allah (Almighty) shall forgive the entirety of your sins; indeed, He is the Most Forgiving and the Most Merciful.’ This powerful verse is a model for the emotional landscape a parent should aim to create firm on values, but vast in mercy.

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4941, that holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated: ‘The Compassionate One has mercy on those who are merciful. If you show mercy to those who are on the earth, He Who is in the heaven will show mercy to you.’ Helping a child navigate repair with respect is a kind gesture. It supports their sense of value and guides their ethical judgement. Islamic parenting focusses on being consistent with reminders, showing mercy, and teaching by example rather than striving for perfection. A parent’s approach to helping a child recover after a tantrum shows a balance of fairness and kindness.

 

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