Parenting Perspective 

When a teen involves school staff or other adults in a conflict, the emotional dynamics of the situation shift. This can feel particularly challenging because it introduces external voices into a personal matter. However, it also provides an opportunity to model how to navigate difficult conversations and take responsibility. The key to repair in such situations is transparency, humility, and a collaborative approach. 

Acknowledge the Role of Others in the Situation 

If your teen has involved other adults, the first step is to acknowledge their role. This may indicate that your teen is looking for support from trusted adults, especially if they feel misunderstood at home. 

• What to do: Start by expressing that you respect your teen’s decision to seek support. For example, ‘I see that you have talked to your teacher about what has been going on, and I understand why you would want someone else to help us work through this.’ 

• Why it works: Acknowledging their involvement shows your teen that you are not dismissing their choice and sets a collaborative tone. 

Keep the Focus on Understanding, Not Defensiveness 

It is natural to feel defensive if your teen has shared personal details, but the repair process must focus on understanding and accountability. Avoid the temptation to focus on defending your actions. 

• What to do: Acknowledge the need to listen, saying something like, ‘I understand that you may have needed to involve others to feel heard, and I am here to listen to you now. Let us figure out how we can work together to fix this.’ 

• Why it works: This approach keeps the conversation open and non-defensive, showing your teen that you are prioritising their emotional needs. 

Involve Others in a Collaborative Discussion 

Rather than viewing the involvement of other adults as a challenge, use it as an opportunity to engage in a collaborative conversation. A team approach, where you and the adults work together, can help your teen feel supported. 

• What to do: If the issue has been raised with a teacher, arrange a meeting where all parties can discuss the matter openly. For example, ‘I think it would be helpful for all of us to sit down together and talk about how we can support each other.’ 

• Why it works: This approach models cooperative problem-solving for your teen and gives them a sense that they are not alone. 

Set Boundaries for Communication and Follow-Up 

When other adults are involved, it is important to set clear boundaries for how communication will continue. Ensure that there is ongoing follow-up to track progress. 

• What to do: After the initial meeting, suggest a follow-up plan. For example, ‘Let us check in after a week to see how things are going. I want to make sure we are all on the same page.’ 

• Why it works: Clear boundaries for communication create a sense of stability for your teen, ensuring that they know the matter will be addressed with ongoing care. 

Demonstrate Your Commitment to Change 

Once the conversation has begun, it is important to follow through on commitments to change. Demonstrating your willingness to make adjustments will rebuild trust. 

• What to do: Show concrete steps you are taking to address the concerns, such as adjusting boundaries or improving communication. For example, ‘I know I need to work on how I communicate with you about certain topics. I will be more mindful moving forward.’ 

• Why it works: Following through on your promises not only helps repair the immediate rift but also strengthens the foundation of your relationship over time. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Promise of Mercy and Forgiveness 

The noble Quran reminds us that no matter how challenging a situation may feel, Allah’s mercy is greater. In repairing our relationships with our children, we must reflect the mercy Allah Almighty shows us by approaching conflicts with kindness and forgiveness. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 53: 

‘And inform My servants that they should speak in only the politest manner (when they speak to the extremists in disbelief); indeed, Satan is (always ready for) infusing anarchy between them, as indeed, Satan is the most visible enemy for mankind.’ 

This encourages a willingness to grow and make amends. 

The Importance of Reconciliation and Humility 

The teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ highlight the importance of mutual respect and understanding in relationships, including those with external figures like school staff. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 4818, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever shows you kindness, return the kindness.’ 

Engaging with these adults in a spirit of cooperation helps restore trust and demonstrates a shared commitment to resolving the issue with your teen. By following these steps, you create a safe, supportive environment for your teen to express themselves, knowing that the adults in their life are working together for their well-being.