How do I coach a child to decline hugs or cheek-kisses politely at gatherings? 

Parenting Perspective 

Family gatherings often come with a great deal of warmth, affection, and cultural gestures like hugs or cheek-kisses. While these acts are usually meant with love, children can sometimes feel uncomfortable with such physical closeness. Teaching your child how to decline these gestures politely helps them to honour both their personal comfort and the respect that is due to their elders. The goal is to protect their boundaries while preserving a sense of harmony. 

Beginning with the Value of Choice and Respect 

You can begin by saying, ‘You can show that you care in many different ways, such as with a smile, kind words, or a wave. You never have to give any physical affection if you do not feel comfortable with it.’ This reassures your child that saying “no” to a touch is not the same as rejecting a person’s love; it is simply an expression of their own comfort level. It also shows them that good manners come from sincerity, not from forced gestures. 

Teaching Gentle and Respectful Phrases 

Children can often fear that they will sound rude when setting a boundary. You can equip them with soft yet confident lines that help to preserve a sense of kindness. 

• ‘I am not doing hugs today, but it is so lovely to see you.’ 

• ‘I prefer not to do cheek-kisses, but I am so happy that you are here.’ 

• A particularly good phrase is: ‘I would rather not hug, but it is really nice to see you.’ 

Each of these lines helps to keep the warmth in the interaction, showing that boundaries and respect can exist side by side. 

Practising the Right Tone and Expression 

Encourage your child to smile, make eye contact, and use a friendly tone when they are saying no. Practising these skills at home can help your child to respond smoothly and confidently in real social settings. 

Offering Alternatives That Show Connection 

You can advise your child, ‘You could offer a wave, a handshake, or say something nice like, “I have missed you!” That shows your love without any physical touch.’ This teaches them that affection is an emotional act, not only a physical one. 

Preparing Them for Persistent Adults 

Sometimes, adults may insist on a hug or a kiss. In these situations, you can prepare your child to stay calm and to repeat their boundary in a kind way. If the pressure continues, you as the parent can gently step in and say, ‘We are teaching her to decide what feels comfortable for her. Thank you for understanding.’ This shows your child that their boundaries are respected and supported by you. 

Modelling Boundary-Setting Yourself 

Show your child how to decline physical affection politely in your own life. For example, ‘Thank you, but I think I will skip hugs today. It is so lovely to see you, though.’ Your example helps to normalise boundary-setting as a mature and respectful behaviour, not an act of rebellion. 

Praising Their Emotional Maturity 

When your child manages to handle one of these moments with grace, be sure to celebrate their balance of skills. You could say, ‘You showed such respect and confidence just then. That is exactly how to handle that situation.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam deeply values the qualities of both modesty (haya) and kindness (ihsan). The act of declining physical contact in a polite way upholds these principles without diminishing the feelings of respect or love. Teaching your child this delicate balance helps them to live their modesty as a form of confidence, not as fear or defiance. 

The Quranic Principle of Modesty and Dignity 

The Quran establishes the principle of modesty as a shared responsibility for both men and women, and as a quality that is rooted in a sense of personal dignity. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Noor (24), Verses 30-31: 

‘Say (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) to the believing men to lower their gaze (upon forbidden things); and protect their private parts (with chastity)…And say (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) to the women who are believers; to lower their gaze (upon forbidden things); and protect their private parts (with chastity)…‘ 

When your child chooses to set physical boundaries in a polite way, they are acting upon this principle by protecting both their own modesty and their respect for others. 

The Prophetic Example of Respectful Conduct 

The teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ reflect the importance of emotional composure and kindness in all of our interactions. When your child politely declines physical contact with grace, they are embodying this gentleness. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 749, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The believer is gentle and easy-going, like a trained camel which, if it is led, lets itself be led, and if it is made to kneel, even on a rugged rock, it kneels.‘ 

This hadith teaches that true confidence and modesty are both expressed through a quiet and gentle kindness. 

When your child learns to say, “I would rather not hug, but it is really nice to see you,” they are learning that self-respect and respect for others are not opposites. They are discovering that true manners are those that protect all hearts, both their own and those of others. 

Each polite boundary they set teaches them a lesson in emotional intelligence: the courage to speak, the wisdom to soften their words, and the grace to balance their care for others with clarity about their own needs. Over time, they will come to see that Islam’s guidance on modesty is not about restriction, but about the preservation of our honour through gentleness, dignity, and kindness. 

In every calm and respectful “no,” your child comes to reflect the light of the prophetic manners: modest, balanced, and beautiful in the sight of Allah Almighty.